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Review:schoenemaedchen says:
Hi there, schoenemaedchen here with a review from the boards!

So, I do think this is an unlikely couple that you've chosen! They fit very well for the challenge.

So you mentioned in your review you weren't sure if you should continue the idea as planned. Do you mean continue the story or the collection of stories? A collection of stories sharing a common theme is something I always find to be an excellent ideas! Very important, though, is to focus on each individual story one at a time before taking on this project. After all, writing individual stories is different than writing chapters for one novel, so a collection usually takes longer!

That being said, I wanted to talk with you about what you've started here in your one-shot. I think you've set up a great situation, but I think you're long from being finished. (Which was one of your concerns on the boards, that you hadn't spent enough time.)

I just want to say, writing a fanfiction isn't always about the quantity of hours you spend or how long your story is, but about the quality. Here you've started some great things, I want to point some stuff out, though, that will hopefully help assure that the great things continue and to help you fill out this story.

For me, it kind of felt like you just wrote the beginning of a story. You've set up a great situation, but now I want to know what happens! I want to know what makes Ginny and Draco worth writing about. We all know newlyweds spend a lot of time in each others company, but perhaps tell the reader about what special event they lived on that day. Maybe Ginny and the elves don't get along...I dunno (just giving a very poor example!), but you need some sort of situation that makes them unique! Maybe its a problem. Maybe its their honeymoon vacation. Some sort of exciting climax or high point of the story can come here too. Then you can work with how the characters deal with this situation.

Then of course you need some kind of conclusion, something that brings the whole story to an end. It can end many ways, but it looks here like you're going for fluff and romance so it's probably a happy ending.

When you add those two elements to your story, you'll really have a great structure going for you! Another thing I wanted to caution you about was also flow from paragraph.

It's really challenging, especially if you're relatively at the beginning of writing, but once you got it down, you can do about anything. Writing fanfiction while I was still in school and in college really improved my writing overall! This is why I must emphasize the flow.

I like your description at the beginning! It's a nice imagery of the Malfoy Mannor, first on the exterior of the building and the gardens, then to the inside where the house elves are making breakfast. This is great, but then you kind of move away from the descriptions and talk about the elves. I think it's great that you mention those details, but you have to ask if the details are really necessary to a story about Draco and Ginny.

The reason it seems a bit awkward, is because then it jumps directly into the next paragraphs from elf treatment to the betrothed couple. And all of a sudden, you speak of Draco's father. I would rather expect a description of their new marital bedroom, not a boring old dead Lucius...there's time to bring him in, but not where you've introduced the newlyweds. See what I mean?

I think all the details you've mentioned have a time and place, but they have to be brought in appropriately. So watch carefully for those jumps in details. They can really take away from the flow of your story.

Other details in your story can really be brought out. You briefly mention the wedding. That's something I imagine a newlywed daydreaming about, for example. Bring it out, talk about all the details, bring in beautiful description. It doesn't have to be too long. You can always bring out what brought Draco and Ginny together!

So, so many things to consider when writing a story, I know! In case its overwhelming, I would really recommend getting a Beta. They're a great support team. You do have some rather minor grammatical errors in your story, so a Beta could help you with that as well. I swear by my Beta, and I've been writing fiction for over 10 years now! I don't leave the house without one ;)

So. All things said, great beginning! Just bring out the development, watch the flow and you'll have such a great story going on here! Once you have this one under control, then you can move on to the next in your series :)!


Author's Response: Hi! I love long reviews :).
I am a major Ginny/Draco shipper so I had to do them. :)
I really tried to do my descriptions well as I usually write 1st person so it is harder to write descriptions into the story. So I really wanted to set it well.
The story was really short because I was just going for a snapshot of their life on the first day they got married but after I get back from holiday I am really going to work on it and I have one other chapter sitting in a notebook that I did ages ago. I like the Harry/Luna one that I have, I think I go into detail about them and get a story going.
The bit about Dracos father was to stop people going Lucius would never let them get married so I wrote he was dead and then used it too explain that it was one of the reasons differences were being patched up. Again so I had the war involved and I wasn't ignoring it.
I see what you mean about the paragraphs being all over the place and I'll be sure to add more steps when I get back.
I meant to continue with the collection. I thought was a good idea seeing how all the different backgrounds and couples spend the first day of their married life.
Yeah it is compleate fluff I wanted to see if I could do it as I have never tried it before.
The description of their bedroom is a good idea I never did it because I thought I would be throwing too much description down the readers throat.
I have a beta for one of my other stories I could get her to have a look at it if not I'll go to the forums. Grammar isn't my strong point at all.
Anyway I'll stop rambling but Thank you for the amazing review I hope it saved you from boredom yesterday. I will use all you very helpful points when I get back from holiday and I will probably ask you to review other chapters. LIke I said I love long reviews!

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