|Review:||Cherry Bear says:|
I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get around to reviewing this, but here I am now. I'm such a big fan of any story with Teddy in love with either Dominique and Victoire, but I feel like most people lean toward putting him with Victoire, so it's a breath of fresh air to read this. Granted, he doesn't exactly end up with her, considering what happens to stop it, but it's clear that he cared a lot about her; it makes this story original to me. It's also the first one I've read where Dominique kills herself.
I'll start with the nit-picky things, just to get them out of the way:
- you have a lot of sentences that go, "independent clause, independent clause" (i.e. "I killed her, it was my fault.") I think it might be better to separate these into two sentences ("I killed her. It was my fault.") or put a semicolon in between them ("I killed her; it was my fault."), because the way it is right now makes it seem sort of like a run-on.
- this is more of a style thing; I'm not sure if you intended for the story to be choppy for effect purposes, but I figure I'd point it out to you in case you didn't. If it was for style, it does seem to match the turbulent emotions Teddy's feeling.
- in the sentence, "The world could have been hers; she could do anything she put her mind to", I think it might make more sense if you made the sentence clause into the same tense as the first, "she could have done anything she put her mind to", just to keep things parallel and constant.
That's about all that I saw. Again, sorry if this seems overly nit-picky or anything like that, and feel free to ignore any or all of my critiques.
Since the hooking first sentence is what my challenge is all about, I have to say that I absolutely adored yours. It was one of the more blunt ones I've seen, but it did an excellent job of pulling me right into the story and I immediately wanted to know just what was going on. But not only was your first sentence intriguing, your entire first paragraph was and then basically the rest of the paragraphs. I especially liked your last sentence; I'm a really big fan of stories that end just as strongly as they begin, and that's exactly what you did here.
I would've liked to see more happen then just Teddy musing on and mourning over her death, but I can appreciate how keeping it short and packing it with details made the raw emotion stand out even more. It wasn't difficult to understand what Teddy was feeling because I think you conveyed his emotions very well. I also think, even though this was so short, you did an excellent job of giving both him and Dominique realistic characters. You can see that streak of heroism in him, and that urge to protect, but along with that you can see his flaw - how he failed to see how devastated she really was, how he was misled by how perfect she seemed. Dominique's character is just as poignant; she's the girl struggling to catch up with the brilliancy of her sister, never realizing that she's twice as amazing, never realizing just how sunny her smile really is - perfect except for believing she is imperfect. I think that is what makes this all the more devastating to me - that, and that, maybe, just maybe, she could have been saved.
I liked your title a lot too. My English teachers have given me a nasty habit of over-analyzing and reading too far in to simple concepts, but I think the picture of diamonds fits this story perfectly. Like Dominique, diamonds are beautiful; they're known as unbreakable. But, just like anything, they can crack.
And, at risk of making my review longer than your actual story (which would seem a little bizarre, yes?), I'll finish this rambling review up here. Thank you so much for entering my challenge, and remember to check back after the deadline to see if you've won!