|Review:||Aiwe Saito says:|
Hi, you asked for a review from me quite a while ago, and I'm here to finally give it to you.
I see a lot of potential but a lot of problems.
First of all, the story is very cliche-- which is fine, in a way, cliches are cliches because they make sense, but this one kind of encompasses too many-- the Mary-Sue, the Sister, The Chosen One, the Special Abilities, and probably the Forbidden Romance, am I right? Now I have used several of these cliches over time, and been pleased with the results, but I think the trick is to not have such a concentrated dose.
Also, and although this is a purely cosmetic thing, the impact is huge-- pleasepleasePLEASE use the return button after every quote/ single person's dialogue;
'How are you?'
It just makes it cleaner, and when you have those giant blocks of paragraph it just makes me want to skip over it and therefore miss the relevant parts of the information.
You were a little rushed in the beginning, I think, but just remember to take your time-- even though we know the characters, we can't forget the value of an old fashioned exposition.
So, suggestions: Give Lily some faults. Besides hot-headedness or insecurity, unless it's to an extreme. Use the return key. Decide what kind of person she is (and although it's early, I, as the reader, should still be able to identify what sort of person she is, the same way you have a decent idea of a person after a week or two.)
Still, though, you've settled into a nice sense of rhythm, and have some great ideas-- it's just the execution that's a little shaky.
Author's Response: Well Lily isn't going to be a Mary-Sue I know it seems that way at first but I haven't really gotten into her actual powers yet but she isn't actually a Mary-Sue in any way. Thanks for the review :).