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Review:melian says:
HI! Here for the review! And I'm SO sorry that it took me so long to get to this - life has been crazy and I just havent' been able to get to this before now. I do hope you'll forgive me.

Anyway, the way I do reviews is I allow my inner critic to dictate the first bit and outline any grammatical errors,typos and the like I may have found. Then I talk about your story.

The first thing I notice as I read this was the excessive spacing between paragraphs. This isn't a big problem but it is distracting for the reader, and it's normally the result of you just pasting from Word into the form here. The way to avoid it is to paste as plain text; you have to re-add your formatting but it solves the spacing problem.

The next thing I noticed was that you change tenses a lot - you move from past tense to present tense to past tense again. For the sake of consistency you should choose one or the other and stick with it and it will make the story read a lot better. For example:
His words are faint as his lips descended on her scorching skin.
In this case you did it in one sentence; to stick with past tense it would ideally read "His words were faint ...".

Right. Enough of that. Your story. I think you've got a really interesting premise here, that the murder of Marlene McKinnon was inspired by love/lust rather than an act of war. You managed to convey the scenario using very few words, which few people manage to achieve, and you did it very effectively. We could really feel Marlene's conflict in this situation and how she knows what she's doing is a bad idea but can't stop it. Then again, the human heart can make us do all sorts of things we know are wrong, can't it?

Overall I think yo have a very good idea and, if you made those tense changes, it would be an excellent story. Well done!

cheers, Mel

Author's Response: Hello Mel!

First thing first thanks for taking time to review. I’ll forgive you if you forgive me for the fact that I took so long to answer. Life has been very hectic this couple of weeks/months.

Thanks for pointing the excessive spacing between paragraphs out and the way to solve it. I had no idea it could distract the reader. If I have time I will try to change it!

Yeah another reviewer also commented about the fact I change tenses alot. I didn’t even notice I was doing that. Silly me and I will also tr to change it if I have got time atleast. I love the fact you even gave an example!

Well thank you som uch for your huge compliments! You really made me giddy and blush seeing you are such an amazing writer ( whose story I still have to read ) and I’m brand new author. I chose it to be inspired by love/lust rather then war because I had heard in the news that a man killed his wife because she had cheated. Really creepy and weird inspiration! I’m glad you think I can convey the scenario using very few words because it’s really hard to do that. Yes the human hearts makes us do things we know that’s wrong and which we will regret because of this.
Thanks you so much!


-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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