|Review:||Miss Lily Potter says:|
Here with part two. (:
“I think that’s the only time I’ve said those words and actually not been up to no good.”
xD. I loved that line, it made me laugh far too hard. (:
Words like "slowly" and "quickly" (adverbs), when used for dialogue tags, are really unnecessary. Again, it's an issue of showing, not telling.
"They felt a cold sensation trickle down their bodies and when they looked it was if each of them had become a chameleon and matched whatever it was that they were standing in front of."
This is another run-on, I'd split it up into two, or maybe even three sentences.
Ahha. xD For some reason, Voldemort leaving them with directions to where he was made me laugh; it's not exactly something we saw a lot of in the books. Again, if the letter had been intercepted, anyone (Dumbledore) could have found him and killed him. Or, tried to.
I feel like Harry, Ron, and Hermione should be more worried. You say they are, but we really don't see examples of that: perhaps have Harry grip his broom and find it sweaty, from nervous palms? Have Ron stutter? Have Hermione snap?
I want more detail. You tell us what everything looks like, but what do they smell? What are they feeling, when they race to her? What does the air feel like, what's the temperature? These details, and less details about what they see, will probably make your story stronger as a whole.
Would Harry really want Hermione and Ron with him? In the books, we see him as this person who likes doing everything by alone, and at least sort of fights Ron and Hermione when they try to come with him... I could be wrong, of course, but that's always been my opinion.
Poor Ginny. ): I feel really bad for her, she's just a pawn in Voldemort's plan.
Why is Ginny out in the open? She's basically just out where everyone can see her, it seems like Voldemort would want her more hidden, again, in case the letter got stolen.
Voldemort sounds kind of out of character. He was a very educated, proper person, and he's kind of improper and not Voldemort-sounding in this one. He's a bit out of character, at least in my opinion.
You describe Harry as "her boyfriend" when Ginny is comforting him. I don't know, it seems so... teenager-y to call him that, instead of "Harry" or something. I mean, they're being tortured, it just... doesn't fit.
“However, unlike you I won’t allow my enemies the chance to escape by droning on about everything that bothers me.”
EXACTLY. xD I love that line, it so sums up how villains explaining things is so stupid. xD
WHOA. Draco being there surprised me. I'm not sure why, I knew he was there because of the owl, but still.
Why didn't they leave when Lily told them to? Or, at least, why didn't they fight yet? I don't know, if I would have been them, I would have at least attempted to fight a bit.
Also, why was Ginny so much weaker? Because of the spells?
xD At first, I thought Lily was Dumbledore. I'm glad she wasn't, it would have been predictable that way. (:
"They paused for a moment to grab their brooms and then continued to run, soon a car came into sight, Mr. Weasley’s old flying car, and it looked as if it had been restored, and they assumed that that was how the girl had gotten there."
This is another run-on, I think it could be cut up into a few sentences, again.
Yay! It wasn't Lily Evans! I thought it would have been Harry's mum, and that would have been kind of a cliche. Harry's sister is more believable, because Lily II didn't die to save Harry and the entire series doesn't depend on Lily II's love. Yeah.
I think that if Voldemort had sent a curse at Lily II, he would have known that she was still alive, especially if she had the lightning scar. If he knew Harry was alive, he would have known about Lily.
This is pretty interesting, but a 7,000 word long chapter (especially for a first chapter) is pretty long, especially since, like you said, the plot hasn't really gotten going yet.
I really liked this, though. (: It's an interesting start. And I'm sorry for the monster of a review, and again, I didn't mean to offend you if I did. (:
All in all, 6/10.