|Review:||Miss Lily Potter says:|
Okay. So. This review is going to be in two parts, just because it won't fit into the 6000 character limit. :P I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be able to do chapter two this way. (Uh, I kind of went overboard with this chapter's review.)
Hey, there. I'm here from the forums with your requested review.
So I'm just warning you: This review is going to be extremely long. I'm sorry in advance, the chapter was just very long and I took a lot of notes. (: I hope you don't mind.
Firstly, I like the idea of this. It's interesting, and while I'm not a huge fan of stories where Harry has a twin sister (or a sister at all, since it's not in canon), the story got going before you revealed who Lily was and so it wasn't as cliche as other stories I've read have been. And, sometimes even plots that have been done can be really good, like this one is. (:
So I'm just going to go through my notes as I wrote them down. Please, don't be offended if I come across as harsh or rude; I'm not trying to, I promise.
So. Firstly. You use a lot of commas where there shouldn't be any, and oppositely, use periods/nothing where there should be commas. I'd recommend getting a beta, just so it'll read better. You might attract more readers that way. Of course, I don't know how many readers you have, so I might be completely off, but I know that the grammar-related mistakes I noticed were pretty common. (Sorry.)
In that vein, there were a lot of run-ons and fragments. Again, I'd recommend a beta.
The dialogue in this story is kind of unrealistic. Maybe try reading it out loud, and say "Does this sound real?" In my experience, that's what works best.
Here's a few specific examples of things I'd change, mainly grammar-wise:
You said "stated", "replied", and a lot of other not-said words, where 'said' would have worked. Perhaps this is just a personal opinion, but I think said works better, especially when you 'show' things, rather than 'telling' us them. For the most part, we can figure out when they 'reply', and 'said' works best.
On that note... The phrase "Show, don't tell" really pops up here. You sometimes tell us things about Harry, rather than showing us, and I think that if you showed us, like having him obsessively check the time without telling us that he was worried about Ginny, it would make for an easier read.
"Harry was used to their bickering about everything and anything so he didn’t bother to chime in and tell Ron that Hermione was probably right this time and that they should have listened to her, maybe then they wouldn’t be sitting in the common room alone at three in the morning rushing to be done."
This could be cut into two sentences, I think. It's a really long sentence, and it's a run-on.
"She had gone off for a midnight fly a few hours ago, promising to be back soon and continue keeping Harry and the others company while they finished their essays, and yet it was now three in the morning and she still hadn’t returned."
Nice foreshadowing. (: I didn't notice it originally, when I was first reading it, but it's a good way to let us know where Ginny is and it's plausible.
“That has to be the most naïve thing I’ve ever heard you say Ronald, not knowing things like that could be dangerous and -” Hermione was cut off by a tap at the window. "
Maybe make the "Hermione was..." part into a new paragraph? It seems less sudden the way you have it.
Harry says "Who would send mail?” and then Ron says “who would send YOU mail?” Maybe have Ron's 'you' in italics? It would seem less repetitive that way, I think. (:
"Harry said in a deadened tone as his face paled."
I'd either cut 'in a deadened tone' or 'as his face paled'. It seems less repetitive that way... It's like saying 'jade' and 'emerald'.
I like how sudden you had Voldemort say he has Ginny. Though, I don't see why he would let Harry know in a note... It seems kind of out of character for Voldemort, especially since he seems so private and plans everything out. I can't imagine a note would be safe enough for him, since it could be intercepted.
"Harry, are you really going to listen to Voldemort?"
FINALLY. xD That was my reaction when she said that, because I was like "OHMYGOSH HARRY DO YOU NOT REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH SIRIUS?" I know he's the type to go after Ginny, even if he's not sure she's there, but I was glad when Hermione said that.
"But how can he be the castle is guarded by powerful enchantments, it‘s impossible to simply fly on or off the grounds."
For this one, I think it should read like: "But how can he be? The castle is guarded by powerful enchantments. It‘s impossible to simply fly on or off the grounds."
About a third of the way through the story, it stopped being double spaced, and the paragraphs got bigger. It kind of hurt my eyes, just because it was such a large block of text on the computer screen. I'd recommend changing that, just because I know a lot of readers don't like reading single-spaced chapters, especially since this one is 7,000 words.
I loved Ron's outburst! :D It was full of win. (: I loved how he shouted at Hermione, I was waiting for either he or Harry to start yelling at her. (:
Finally, Hermione mentioned Sirius. I was waiting for someone to, it was like they forgot the whole OOTP issue.