Hey! This is mizzxpearl with your requested review! Okay, so you requested a review like what...a year ago? Two years ago? *Smiles sheepishly* Sorry about the long wait!
Well I'll be writing this review as I read through the chapter, but so far it seems good. The one typo I noticed what in I think the fourth line down, Rose thinks what does BE want, instead of what does HE want.
In Scorpius' POV, I only noticed a few things. One, you write "Five more minutes please!?" You can't ever have two punctuations right after one another like that. I understand you did it to add to effect and I'm guilty of the same thing, too! But if you add "...minutes please?" Ryan grumbles, or something along those lines, then the audience realises what you're trying to say!
The other thing I notice is that I believe you have Tony punch Scorpius' arm at one point? I don't think that he ever got out of bed though, so you have to be careful of that!
You have fragments in this chapter, too, but I noticed they're much less than before! Just read and reread your chapters to find out. If you're confused about something, you can always shoot me a PM on the forums! Anyway, I'll just point out one, so you have an idea of how to fix them:
"Could you get Rose for me? I need to speak with her." I smile, hopefully Potter hasn't turned every Gryffindor against me.
That's a fragment. Try writing "Could you get Rose for me? I need to speak with her," I explain. Hopefully, Potter hasn't turned every Gryffindor against me.
I really loved the humor you added when they were in the dormitory! It was hilarious! :D
Back to Rose's point of view! You wrote: He felt guilty? Didn't want me to choose? Missed me? He liked talking to me?
Another thing that stuck out to me what when you wrote:
I wait, and after a good five minutes he finally speaks.
Five minutes! That's a bit too awkward. Imagine talking to someone, and having your converstaional partner staying silent for five minutes before talking. :P
Remember, this is in present tense! Change all of that from the past. You have other glitches like that in there too. Since I'm writing one of my stories in present tense, something I do is after I finish a chapter, I search for words like 'said, asked, inquired, etc.' because those are the words that I slip up on the most. And once I find them, I change them! :)
Besides for those, I would say just watch out for commas. All in all, I really enjoyed this chapter! Your grammer and syntax are getting so much better! Andd, I really love Scorpius and James! Keep writing! :D
Author's Response: I'm so sorry it took me forever to respond to this! I didnt' see it until now, hahah. I've kind of been neglecting this story, my muse for it is hiding! Hopefully I'll be able to come back to it soon though.
thanks so much for all your helpful tips and corrections. I'm horrible with tense! Haha I always forget to keep it all one tense.
Oh my, I hope that I just had a typo for the five minutes thing because that really is awkward!
Thanks again, your reviews are always super helpful :D