Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:siriusgirl1 says:
A review, as requested in my thread.
I really like the opening. It's a surprisingly gripping start, mostly because of the way you hit the characterization right off the bat. I felt Harry's stunned pause, then leap into action was very him. And it has the added effect of moving the plot along to the next bit quite nicely. One of the weaker points was where Ron screams about needing to save Ginny. The word screamed just feels wrong there, to me at least. He should be shouting or yelling. I think Ron only screams when facing spiders =]. In canon, Hermione has an aversion to flying, yet she willingly gets on her own broom and takes off. Even in such conditions, I think it likely that she would end up flying with Ron, instead of on her own. Later, Voldemort was deliciously evil and condescending, but I feel you could have upped his scathing/mocking tone even further. Really give Harry and the readers a reason to hate him right then. And I love Snape and am very happy to see him done right, even though he's only in the very end of this chapter.

The jump from normal common room stuff to "omg! Ginny's been kidnapped!" feels very sudden. It might flow better if it started at midnight with the bickering and Ginny leaving so we could feel the time pass since Ginny left. Then, the worry Harry feels would be with the readers, too. Also, why would she have the bludgers out? It would make for sense for it to be the Quaffle, or even the Snitch, because it's canon that she enjoys Seeking, and plays as a Chaser, if I recall correctly.

I really appreciated the attention to detail. A lot of authors would not have bothered to describe the abandoned ball crate or noticed that a lack of guards around a stronghold was odd. Congratulations for including those! However, that detail was missing when the shield appeared--it was described as "a shield of some sort." It would have been better to describe exactly what it looked like, and then explain that it was foreign to anything that either the kids or the Death Eaters had seen before, or something like that.

While the introduction of a long lost sister to Harry is fairly cliche, you seem to have pulled it off. She is a very distinct character, although with the more-power-than-Harry thing, you might find yourself walking a fine line between a really interesting character and a Mary Sue, if she suddenly becomes the answer to all the problems. From what I've seen of this story, however, the latter option seems unlikely.

The paragraphs got really big after the beginning and I know I get lost sometimes reading giant blocks of text online, so other readers might have the same issue. If you can break a few of those up, that might help. The paragraphs do not have to be tiny, just enough that it is easy to follow from one line to the next without getting mixed up.

Along those lines, I would have split this into two chapters, just to make it a little shorter. It sort of feels like the readers are inundated with information. It is delivered very well, but it is a lot to take in in a single chapter. 9/10: Good job!

siriusgirl1

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad that you appreciated the attention to detail sometimes I wonder if maybe it's too much and makes the story drag on. I agree with you on the shield though it seems to have slipped through the cracks in my attempts to move on with the storyline. As for Lily being an answer to all of their problems I intend to fully avoid that in the coming chapters, I want to keep the action and adventure in the story so I intend to avoid that. And Lily isn't actually stronger than Harry which comes out later on in the story. And thank you for the tip on the paragraph length I will keep that in mind for my future posts I'm glad you pointed that out I wouldn't want readers to be overwhelmed.

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 587
Submit Report: