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Review:Celestie says:
Hey Mel! I'm here for your requested review!

This was lovely. :) I love reading description and this was simply lovely. The imagery of the sea and sunlight and garden was well done. Really, really, a nice setting.

I'm only going to pick on one or two things.

The introduction seems a description heavy. I'm hardly one to be talking, I know, but there's several paragraphs of description before any furthering of the story occurs. A little more balance needs to be achieved, I think, but you're quite close to it.

“She is home, were she belongs.” - should be "where".

"Curiosity fills me and I look around for the source" strikes me as a little awkward. I wasn't really sure how the source could occur only after the curiosity.

"Louis, I think that we can only dream what heaven is like. But Vic always imagined it to be a warm summer’s day. You know, with warm sunshine and soft breeze." - Teddy's dialogue sounds unnatural. I don't really know someone who would talk quite so eloquently or describe something when they're just casually talking. "You know, with sunshine and breeze" strikes me as much more natural.

But these are just minor points, really. Overall, this was wonderful! ^_^ I could really imagine the setting so well!

Nicely done, Melissa! I hope this helped a little!

- Celeste

Author's Response: Celeste, love!

I'm so glad that overall, this piece worked out. I wrote the fic for an UFG banner that I'm still waiting for, really, it's stunning. Half of the description was painted out for me.

I am very thankful for the weak points that you've pointed out here. I'm planning on editing everything on my authour's page very soon, and this is near the top of my list. I only read over it quickly after finishing it and never edited it properly.

Thanks so much! You're wonderful
xx


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