There's something very sweet about this that I can't help but love. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's there.
There are a lot of places that need re-wording. I don't know if it's the sentence structure, or the word choice but something was just off and it interupted the flow of the story. It seemed obtrusive at some parts. You also need to watch you tenses and your plurals.
The POV switch was a bit confusing at first though effective once you caught on.
I loved your descriptions. You did a good job of painting that picture!
I like the James awkwardness before he is introduced. The way he rolls his eyes. It shows just how out of character Sirius is being with Saleena.
I love the parallel between Sirius and Saleena. Similar last names, similar first names, and you imply that their families are similar as well. It makes her sound like the female Sirius and that really helps to establish her character without spending too much time really explaining it. Good job.
You have the Marauders and Lily explaining about the war, but you never really explain why Saleena doesn't know about it already?
I get that you are describing Saleena from Sirius' point of view and he is obviously a little biased, but you want to be careful that she doesn't sound like a Mary-Sue. She seems too perfect. She's got to have some flaws somewhere.
You also stated that Saleena's life would be in danger if she dated Sirius. How so? Go into that a little more.
Why was she yelling at him at the start of their picnic? It seemed like a little too much.
And why would Mrs. Black be friends with Saleenas mum if they were anything but pureblood wizards. Surely she would have seen them as something like a half breed. And we know she didn't like them too much.
You did an excellent job of letting the information trickle out a little at a time. You don't want to bog down and bore the reader with too much at once and you did a really good job avoiding that.
I also thought the description of Saleenas gift was very well done. You made it somehow believable. however I don't understand why Sirius' POV on the day they met was so much different than hers. Maybe try and explain that a bit better? Go into the memory more through a flashback perhaps.
Well done though! I had to get a bit nit picky because there wasn't really too much to criticize.
Author's Response: Wow, this is such an amazing review, thank you! :)
I have had a beta go over this for me, so the needed corrections will be fixed soon! I'm so glad to hear that you loved my descriptions, because descriptive writing used to be one of my weaknesses. I used to rely too heavily on dialogue, and leave the details out, so it's good to get feedback saying that I have improved in that area!!
It's so awesome that you picked up on all the similarities between the two of them! Oh, and Saleena doesn't know very much about the war because she went to school in France. This is set during her summer off after finishing school there. And the reason she would be in danger if she was caught dating him is because of her Grandma, who is the current Gypsy queen. Saleena is supposed to take her place one day, but if she falls in love, Carla (he grandma) fears that she won't be up to the task... I know it talks about these things in more detail in in my novel, but I must have not mentioned them here. I might go back and find a way to sneak that info all in a bit more tho, thanks for pointing all that out!
She wasn't really "yelling" at him in the beginning, she was just irritated because she was afraid of their friendship changing. She didn't want to lose him as a friend by complicating things with dating... if that makes sense! ^_^'
Mrs. Black didn't know Kireonna (Saleena's mom) was a gypsy because they always acted like wizards. They had to, for fear of being discovered. So I guess Saleena's mom told Sirius' mom that they were purebloods, because she knew what kind of person Mrs. Black was... Again, I hope that makes more sense, lol!
And it's not so much that Sirius' memory of it was very much different than hers, it's more of the fact that Saleena was able to feel his emotions from that moment as he was sharing the memory of it with her. I think I will change that part up a bit, now that you mentioned it!
I don't think you were being nit-picky at all, I actually thought you asked some very great questions!! I LOVED answering them all of them, so thank you!! I'm glad you seemed it like it! Thanks again for reviewing!! =)
Thanks for asking such great questions tho, I LOVE answering them!! =)