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Review:melian says:
Hi! Here with your review!

You know the drill - inner critic stuff first, then your story. And the first thing my inner critic noticed with this fic was the spacing between paragraphs, which was probably excessive and quite distracting for the reader. Did you just paste it straight from Word? Because the easiest way to avoid this is to paste as plain text - yes, you have to add your formatting in again later, but you don't get the spacing problem.

Aside from that, there were a few typos: In the third paragraph, you had Ron "sitting into front of the fire place" - I think you mean "in front".
Later, Hermione felt defeat "wash over my like a huge wave" - it should be "over me". In that same paragraph, Gryffindor Tower was "quite" instead of "quiet".
The description of Harry, "who had underwent so much in just fourteen years" - in that context, the word should be "undergone".
Hermione "whipped" her tears away - I think "wiped" would work better there. You use the same word later when referring to Harry and again, I think "wiped" is a better choice.
And, towards the end, Harry's parents came out of the wand, not his parent.

And your punctuation around dialogue isn't always correct; you often use commas when a full stop (period) would be more appropriate. An example is here:
"We were racing to the cup," said Harry suddenly, though still looking away, "And this huge spider, it came out of nowhere," Ron visibly shivered.
Ideally, in this example, you would put a full stop after "looking away", and also at the end of the second part of the dialogue, after "nowhere", so it would read thus:
"We were racing to the cup," said Harry suddenly, though still looking away. "And this huge spider, it came out of nowhere." Ron visibly shivered.
Or, bearing in mind that you needn't capitalise the second part of dialogue if it's all within the same sentence, you could structure it like this:
"We were racing to the cup," said Harry suddenly, though still looking away, "and this huge spider, it came out of nowhere." Ron visibly shivered.
Either way, I think the part about Ron shivering would do better in its own sentence as tacking it onto the end of Harry's dialogue feels clumsy.

Right. Enough of that. Your story. You said that you've been told that Ron is OOC, but to be honest I dont' really think that he is. It could be that his role is minor enough - he's there the whole time, but he doesn't say much - that it doesn't matter a lot, but he seemed like Ron to me, and nothing that he did stood out as being OOC, not even when I was looking for it. Yes, the hugs are noteworthy perhaps, but then again this was a highly intense and emotional moment and I don't think that it's OOC for Ron to offer his best friend a brief hug in these circumstances. Just because Hermione says that he has the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't necessarily mean that's correct, and maybe whoever said Ron was OOC just didn't have much regard for his emotional capabilities. I'm not sure.

Also, I did find it interesting. Yes, it's an obvious missing moment, but to be honest I never really thought of how Ron and Hermione would have found out what happened in the graveyard that night and this is a very believable encounter. You told it pretty well in that I felt the horror and empathy that Hermione was feeling, and was almost shocked by Harry's narrative, even though I knew what had happened.

The main thing that felt awkward to me in this was the ending - not the boys both relaxing into sleep, which seemed quite natural, but the "best friends" bit in the last paragraph. It felt, well, twee. I know how hard it is to end one-shots (or any story, really) so I'm not trying to criticise, but maybe if you get inspired a bit of a re-wording of that last paragraph might not go astray. It reads okay as it is and maybe I'm just being too fussy, but that was the only bit that really concerned me as far as your story-telling goes. The rest flowed nicely and like I said, we felt what Hermione was feeling and that's not a bad feat in a fanfic. :)

Overall, I think this is a fairly well-written and emotive one-shot. Well done!

cheers, Mel

Author's Response: Ok so this took me forever to respond to, don't hate me please? :o

Anywhom, grammar wise you are completly right and now that I am a TA I will be making those changes as soon as I have time, so thanks a lot for those! (: And I am so glad you didn't find Ron OOC, if you think he's fine he must be seeing as you're like a mega awesome genisus.

The ending was really hard, I agree, because I've never had to write an ending before, just more and more chapters (besides one of my new one shots, but that one just flowed haha). The little cheesy endness might also get edited, thanks!

Happy Christmastime/Holidays and thanks for the Review again Mel!


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