|Review:||Jackson Robles says:|
Hola PP! Sorry about the longish wait to this, I really wanted to get to it sooner :/ but. things kind of came up, and they shouldn't really have stopped me from reading this. so again, sorry! ♥?
Hehe - but! We've gotta take a look at this story, don't we? Mhm! Mhm, mhm, mhm, very important to look this over. Few grammatical questions to begin with, just because it's always covering up the fun stuff and I want it out of the wayyy!
Lollypop? Is that a Britishism? Lollipop? It has to be a Brittishism... what weirdos. and then there's the 'muggle' 'apparated' and all that noise. Like Gryffindor, I was always taught those words should be capitalized. Is there a particular reason you didn't want to capitalize them? Or... am I being a dork right now? hehe - whatever! S'all I'm worried about grammar and spelling wise. Beta's to the rescue! Not saying it was all her, but you gave her credit so I figured I at least should do that much, know I'm sayin'?
And content? Well, we've got to look at characterization of course! Like for reals. Big time look at that characterization, as it is a rather large deal, you know? And who've we got to look at here? Why! None other than Albus Dumbledore of course! Come on now, this is serious! PP I thought he was great! Funny, eccentric, a little odd, and serious as well. He was Dumbledore, and there isn't any higher praise I can give you. It was a very unorthodox first chapter, you know? Not bad by any means, but it was stagnant you know? (I know that's generally used in a negative sense, but I can't think of the other words that mean that... so don't think of it in a bad way, kay?)
Dumbledore looks, curses, paces, craves candy, leaves, walks, gets candy *takes hour to do so*, leaves, catches Lily walking and sees McGonagall's Patronus with a message - then dreads. *END*
hehe, well, when it's worded like that it kind of seems negative doesn't it? But it isn't! Don't worry about that! I said it was an unorthodox chapter and I mean it - it was a prologue of sorts, setting the mood in a different light - in both senses of the word :P A strange topic to think about, you know? Because this is a serious story, the hints at the end seem to strike it where Dumbledore's about to tell Lily about the phrophecy... or that he thinks they should go into hiding, I'm not 100% on it, but that's the gist that i got - and you've got him pining for candy and thinking about the past. It's a good dichotomy, I think, very good. The lines drawn between death and candy are far and few between, hehe, and it kind of seems like you've done that here, you know?
This is also a different writing style than I've seen before. And for a first fanfic, I can see the ... bit of naiveté to your writing that's very subtle, but a lot better than most just starting out. Not saying you're just starting out! And not to belittle this work or anything like that! But I mean it's innocent? ... Not corrupted?! It's NOT a bad thing! I swear!
And on the note of your writing it's very nice. Clear cut, very straight forward and easy to follow. So I ask the question: what's not to like about this? Nothing! And it seems like it'll be on an obscure topic rarely covered in fanfic! So definitely + marks for that. + marks for writing behind Dumbledore. + marks for the straight forward nature of this fic! It was grand!
So be proud PP! And smile! Right? hehe
Great chapter, and I was more than happy to read this! I'm glad you recommended it. I like good reads, you know?
Author's Response: Wow okay so first off thanks for even taking the time to read this. It means a lot to me.
Yeah Lollypop is s Britishism thing that I decided to put in there...not that it matters much either way, it's just a sweet treat. As for capitalizing muggle and apparated, I didn't know that they HAD to be capitalized and neither did my beta (she brought that up too) so I just left it as is.
Yeah others have commented on my great characterization of Dumbledore. I am soo proud of him. I worked really hard to get him to seem like the actual dumbly in the books.
Yeah I didn't want to come out and say it was a prologue...but I don't think of it as a chapter either. It just has to be there in order for the story to continue.
I won't comment on where you think the story is going (I don't want to give away the plot now do I). But you are a little ahead of yourself (hint hint: think time line). This moment isn't exactly in canon, but I think it SHOULD be.
Thanks for liking my writing (I think that's what you meant). But I seriously am considering doing some editing of this after school gets out. I'm thinking of combining the first two chapters into one. What do you think??