|Review:||Jackson Robles says:|
Hehehe - missing a period and a quotation mark at the end of Slughorn's paragraph near the beginning ;) and again, just beginning reading that . . . the writer definitely has a firm grasp of their story - in this case you - and does hard work to show it off. In some places a more . . . trained eye can catch the author behind the story, but it's nothing bad or blatantly obvious. So it's not exactly as though you should be looking over your shoulder for the fanfic police or anything like that. Like I said, you have a good hold on this story, I can see that, and you definitely 'know' where you want to take it, even if you can't get your head around 'how' to get there Miss Super-Slow-To-Update ;)
And isn't Siri such a nice guy? Figure he should be though, in that kind of situation, as his nice, same-age-as-him cousin got the same treatment for a very different reason. While he was in Gryffindor and hung out with a Potter and didn't behave like a Black, poor lil Andie couldn't lie to her pops. Ah, well, when you think about it - maybe it wasn't so different after all. It's sad to be sure, but even though she's grown with that family her whole life, thinking about being a part of such a thing so disgusting - well, I'm sure she'll regret what happened a little in the long run, but you can't really be expected to pine for something that wasn't really good for you in the first place - so long as you can see and understand how bad it really was in the first place.
And it was a nice ending to the chapter as well. Good old Siri taking in Andie and letting her sleep soundly by the fireside in the Gryffindor Tower Common Room. How sweet. If I was a girl maybe I'd swoon? I dunno. I don't have a single qualm about telling you I don't get any... crushes people have on the Marauders - be it James/Sirius/Remus (because was all know everyone just hates Peter and wishes him the fiery torment of a thousand suns and would never swoon for his fat little sake) I don't get it. Maybe it's the being a guy thing, but wouldn't anyone in that situation have to sit down and help their cousin? Seem like a right awful git if they don't.
And I feel like bugging you about this is all right - but near the end of my semester I met an author. A very good author, but slightly unknown. And he talked to me (Padgett Powell - Walker Percy's successor, and if you don't know who that is, well, you should get to reading Keros - Percy's the author of my favorite book after all) about how younger and up and coming authors give away far too much in their stories. They point things out to the reader and clamor for the reader to notice things they've done. For the reader to GET what they're doing behind the scenes. And ever since then in any fic I read I've always been drawn to parts of fics and stories that I read where that is indeed the case many times throughout. And throughout this chapter I see it plenty. As a reader, we can put two and two together to figure out that it's kind of funny that Andie's a Black sheep and her last name is Black.
But I'm not bashing everything you kind of pointed out to us. Knowing that Andie and Siri were born on the same day is a helpful thing to know, so no qualms there. And I'm on the fence about giving us the exact date in Andie's thoughts. And! Not to add insult to injury, but December fourth was the full moon correct? Right - I looked it up. Well, funny thing - if the Marauders were out helping with Remus - or playing with him, however you wanna call it - wouldn't it have been December THIRD that needed the full moon, as December fourth's night hasn't happened. And you did say that it was 1 in the morning on December fourth, so I just assume...
Not to get technical miss. ;)
But understand I wouldn't change really much about this chapter! With that bit about pointing things out pointedly (was his terminology, not mine) to your readers it's fine by me. I'd leave it, as it does follow in style with this fic. But I would change the date a bit and that first paragraph of Slughorn's to add some punctuation.
All that and I haven't really even gotten to talk about it. It was great Keros, really. I liked this chapter. Andie and Siri have a very nice relationship it seems, suddenly 'conjoined' by both being outcasts. And it called back to that idea about misery loving company. I mean, Remus gone because of the full moon - he wasn't missed all that much - and the Marauders seem plenty likable. Peter wasn't made out to be a horrid human being either! What a happy time of it I'm having reading - but I wouldn't expect you to fall into that fangirl style of writing. No, you have too much respect for yourself and the fics you write ;)
I can't help but wonder if that bit about Narcissa might come around. I know she's out of school, but I think that might be a driving force of Andie a bit. You know, Cissy's gone, yeah, but Andie and her were friends. They would want to see each other again. Then there's the whole Slytherin/Black outcast thing which I know'll come into play soon. Andie seems a little more down to earth and Siri and might not take it as well as he did. I mean, the gal did love her father and was brought up with all the 'right' Black values - even if she was a bit lax on upholding them (I'm talking about her friendly relationship with Siri) - which means it'll be hard for her, I'm sure.
*cue trumpets* But that's where we have Ted.
Good ol' Ted.
JD! (nice chapter, if I haven't said it enough yet :P)
Author's Response: hahaha i love you JD.
Very nice and tiring review to read actually. I scrolled down it and was like 0_0.
Anyways. Thanks for all your points and of course I am taking those on board and changing when I post up the next chapter (possibly tomorrow) Thanks again JD! I probably had something else to say but I can't remember :p