|Review:||Jackson Robles says:|
Right oh! I've got a bit to help you with grammar and dialogue!
"Yes, Lexi, that's the most important part of all this." I muttered sarcastically.
(I don't know if you asked me or not, but here goes!)
This is as very witty little retort from Lily right? All clean and polished, right? WRONG! (not the witty part, but the clean and maybe polished part at least) You see, a quick fix to this is heading over to the Writer's Resources section and looking over the guidelines for dialogue. It helped me a ton, but I think I can help you.
You noticed how in this sentence, Lily is muttering? Well, that has direct ties to the dialogue, doesn't it? And the rule (not sure if it's a rule of thumb or what, but it's a rule nonetheless) is that if the next line of narration has direct 'ties' to the line of dialogue preceding it, then you MUST not use a period. Instead you must use a comma (unless it's an exclamation point or question mark, then you just leave it) and lowercase the next word in the following line of narration (unless it's a name, then you just leave the name)
However, if the following narration has no ties to the line of dialogue, then you leave the period (or whatever) and capitalize it as a new sentence.
Rereading through the chapter I'm not entirely sure if that was a typo (as I've spotted a few other mistakes along those lines) or what, but . . . oh well. I've explained it. No going back now.
never thought of getting concussed
^That's a line spoken by Malfoy. I might change it to 'getting a concussion' - I just think it might flow better. Also, there's a bit of dialogue with James . . . oh where is it . . .
Don't you care what your family think at all?
FOUND IT! It's missing a word or a letter somewhere I think. What about you?
And with that I've finished! And . . . I kind of have a raised eyebrow. It works I think, but it's kind of . . . well it was rather easy wasn't it? I don't know - sure the romance has been taken away, and not that anything's been cheesy, it just feels like . . . I've got! Great analogy! It feels like a skeleton. The story's all there, and there in perfect form and everything (I quite like the epilogue myself), but it just feels like there's a lot missing. Where's the muscle, you know? And the shiny skin?
I'm not exactly sure how . . . but I can offer that as advice. Lily and Scorpius's reconciliation was a second. And the James bit kind of seemed strangely out of place.
However, beyond that, we're definitely looking at a cute and good story. I will give you the premise and everything is rather good. Lily might strike some as a Mary Sue - good a Quidditch - amazing at magic, no real flaws that aren't adorable or helpful in some ways, but I liked her. She was innocent - and up until the end she didn't like to flaunt them, which was good, I think.
I hope I was able to help at least a bit. And thank you for requesting me this story. An easy read (very clean grammar, quick quips) through and through. And that's definitely not a bad thing.
Author's Response: Thanks for the typo alerts. Not really sure how to use the rest of the advice, but I'll definitely be thinking about it.
Glad there were some redeeming qualities for me to keep using. Thanks for reviewing!