Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Jackson Robles says:
All right! Hi Capella, here to give you my 'first' review, so on that note, let's take a look at this story.

We're looking at a novella, so it's not as though this is meant to carry on forever, though from the story stand point I would definitely open up the beginning. I mean, if I'm thinking of this story on a character - by - character basis, Lily is definitely given an opening. Well, the start's a Quiddtitch match, but after that we seem to get a kind of summarized version of the characters. James and Albus, Lexi and Chelsea are thrust at us. Not necessarily in a bad way, but kind of in a quick way. We are supposed to care about the situations they go through. Hugo and Louis might be expanded on as well. Maybe you could show interaction between Lily and those friends in different situations that aren't exactly relevant to the plot but definitely help us relate better to them and begin to invest in them. I'm not saying fifteen new chapters or anything, but a few quick quips of dialogue might be just the trick.

However, when we get past this however, we look at the plot. From the trinket chapter on I think it was rather predictable, but not necessarily in a bad way. It's cute, but nothing's really surprising. I could tell just from the way Lily 'thought' and the story moved along that Louis wasn't at fault for the trinket (though the bit that it was actually a second hand gift was a bit of an unexpected twist - makes Louis more real) and Scorpius was not doing this for a bet. Or a joke. I mean, I can't be sure, but I really get the feeling from the dialogue that Scorpius and Lily shared that Scorpius really did care about her and she completely overreacted.

However, I do really like the set up you made for that. Planting the seed of worry in her head with James's comments were definitely clever as a plot device.

On the definite brighter side, I believe this fic has plenty of upsides. It's rather docile, bright and truly good hearted. Your characters are all easy going and besides from the rift between Lexi and reality (:P) it was pleasant through out. Lily isn't really a Mary Sue, I think, but I like the way that you portray her prodigal ability at magic and explain it thoroughly. You definitely have Lily firmly under your grasp. Scorpius is definitely deep as well.

Jackson Robles. I do look forward to seeing how this story ends - and I liked the family picnic as well. We get more insight into the characters. And the climax is swiftly approaching! And while I do know what is going to happen I can't help but feel curious about how exactly it'll pan out.

Author's Response: I'm glad you found Lily and Scorpius' characters developed, even if the rest are lacking! Will have a look at expanding on the rest - and the tip about adding some minor interactions could definitely work.

Yeah, the story is largely predictable - it's not meant to be a suspense or a drama, just a romance. I'm glad the minor plot twists caught you unawares, as I wanted the story to have at least some complexity and depth.

The ending is rubbish at the second - may I recommend waiting until the edited version goes up (should be tomorrow or Friday)? It still may be a bit abrupt, but at least it's less muddled now.

Thanks for all your R&R.


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 338
Submit Report: