|Review:||Violet Gryfindor says:|
This is my first Teddy/Dom of any sort, mostly because it was a too-popular ship I was trying to avoid. But you've altered the cliche of this ship significantly by making Dom male instead of female, and it has made this an interesting, moving story to read.
What I love most is the basic structure you've utilized, each paragraph being divided by those fragments of singular nouns. Those changed how I read the story, breaking up the flow in a way that doesn't detract from the story, but rather forces the reader to read it more slowly, more carefully. Those fragments work like titles to each paragraph at the same time that they remind me of poetry (Marianne Moore is the poet that came to mind when I was reading).
With the characters, I see nothing to critique. They seemed realistic, experiencing deep emotion that comes through clearly to the reader even though it's a first-person narrator; I can feel Teddy's pain as much as Dom's, and sometimes with the first-person, authors can't do that. You also offer a long history between them, one that's ridden with unhappiness and secrecy, and you give away just enough in a nice subtle manner.
Here is some critique to consider related to the formality of Dom's voice. You've used contractions very inconsistently and the rare times that you do include them seem randomly chosen, especially when you have lines like "He knows that I will not be leaving" that sound so formal. I wasn't sure whether Dom was supposed to have such a formal voice or not, and that threw me off a bit. The sentences without contractions sound wordy, though if you mean for Dom to have that voice, then it works. I just wanted to bring it to your attention.
Thank you for having me read this! I haven't read much next-gen slash, Marauder-era being what I'm more used to, and this story has made me more interested in this ship. It's very beautifully written, which doesn't surprise me at all, coming from you. ;)
Author's Response: Violet! I'm so sorry I didn't respond to this sooner! I don't know what got into me. It certainly deserves a response. :) Again, I'm very, very sorry.
Anyway, thank you so much! I just discovered Dom as a male character, and I've been very much enjoying myself writing him. Thanks so much for commenting on him and his ship. I know Ted/Dom is a tad over-used, but I'm very glad that you found this, at least, refreshing.
Ah, yes, those little words that separate the paragraphs were very scary at first. I was so unsure of myself, and I didn't know if they would work or not. Still, I'm so pleased that you didn't think they detracted from the reading at all. Again, thanks for your feedback.
Erg, contractions. They will be the death of me, I swear. I can completely see how that may throw you off. ;) Thanks for bringing it to my attention, because I totally would have missed it otherwise. Again, thanks.
VIOLET! You are love. And I love your review. And... thank you! Again! I really, really appreciate all of your kind words and your lovely feedback.