Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:VampireKisses says:
Becca! I'm dreadfully sorry, dear for the terribly long wait! I know this must be the third time I've apologized, but I thought I'd have managed my real life better :(. Well, I'm here now!

Ah! Present tense AND second narration! Such a breath of fresh air! I think you captured the style quite well :) I felt very present in the story. May I inquire as to your decision in writing from a second person's narration? Is there a meaning of any kind behind it? I really do think that your use of second person gives your Tom/Minerva spice of originality from the rest of the pack ^_^.

Your description was also parts you probably could have gone into it a bit more, like describing the setting of the third scene, to sort of allow the reader to be immersed in YOUR vision, you know? :) One thing I'd like to point out though is that from my perspective, I caught a little unwarranted repetition, like "chill your bones", even some of your syntax uses like "floating"...I just felt like I've only recently just read something similar. But it was only here and there that caught my eye, and it's just personal picking. Never fear! You are still a gifted writer! :D

To get back to the way you wrote this story, I just love some of the impact your sentences made. My favorite lines were the last lines of the first four sections. They just had such kapowness to them, especially after the long flowing sentences. I particularly loved the "There's something tragic of an angel with paper wings." line.

When it comes to characterization, I loved how you injected those bits that seemed to come straight from Minerva's mind, you could feel her personality pulsing through. I sort of wished you could have defined Tom's character a little more - like focus on a feature throughout the fic, like his hands or his eyes that keeps us in that thrall Minerva feels :). But his personality, I think you got him downpat. I could definitely see him studying Muggle wars.

Your pace, flow, and order was also very good. I loved that in the way you did the chronologically backwards method, that paper angel was sort of going back to being born, so to speak. Although in this regard, the mention fo the quill at the end seemed rather random, but nonetheless fitting for his Muggle disdain ^_^ I just wish I knew the significance compared with the paper angel.

Overall, Becca, I really enjoyed reading it! =D It's no wonder you're gifted!


Author's Response: Well, I'M sorry for the ridiculously long time in replying. I've just been putting it off, because long reviews, such as yours, scare me :P. I don't know where to start replying!

Haha, I felt I needed a challenge ;). Second person wasn't for any particular reason, I just feel I've done third to death, and first didn't work very well with this story. Plus, second really makes it flow well, and I felt it would enable the reader to identify with Minerva.

Yeah, I've gone back and fleshed out some of the sections. I'm terrible for not going into enough detail. Haha, thanks for pointing that out :D. Aww, thanks lovely :D. I tried to make the beginning and ending of each section have a little more impact, just to make them individual sections.

Tom's lack of characterisation was deliberate, because it's told through Minerva, and she hasn't got to grips with his character either. What you read is how she sees him.

It's actually forwatd chronology now, and I think it works better this way.

Thanks dear! Haha, I don't think I deserve Gifted :P.

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 950
Submit Report: