I'm going to try to analyze and help with anything and everything I can, so take a deep breath, and here we go!
Let's start with descriptions. Honestly, a lot of this story was internal, so most of the descriptions really have to do with translating emotions into words. So we'll really deal with internal things like feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. Which I really think you did a great job with! If, in fact, you were trying to portray these emotions (in order): denial, placation, self-loathing, reflection, desperation, and anguish. If that looks right to you, then you did an awesome job of showing it. At least, that's what came off the page at me.
Next, we'll look at plot. Which, really, there isn't much to say about. I think you did a great job throwing in a scene that actually could have happened in canon, since we really know nothing about Pansy during the final battle.
Next, how about flow? Here's another one that doesn't have much to say about. The way that Draco's thoughts flowed from each emotion to the next was flawless from what I see here. There was nothing to break up the narrative. So again, good job.
I'm gonna go out on a limb now and address dialogue, which I normally don't do. Here though, there wasn't much dialogue, so you could read a lot into what was being said. Pansy's dialogue shows her desperation as a character to be reassured that Draco "loves her." It's very telling that she's so adamant on having him tell her that he loves her. It shows her character's need for importance in others' lives, even as her own is ending. Draco's few lines show his confliction. I like that you're able to transfer emotions to the few lines of dialogue that the characters say. Draco's dialogue also shows that he's torn between reassuring Pansy in her final moments and telling her what he perceives to be the truth. It's very good that you showed all that. Great job.
And now for voice/tone which was very important in this story because of the number of emotions that you were fighting to portray. Your tone was amazing for the story. It was obvious the pain that each of the characters was feeling, though different in reality. Pansy's desperation and physical pain were obvious through her words and actions. And Draco's emotional pain was very real in everything he thought and said. So AGAIN, good job.
Now for my all-time huge thing: characterization. I've heard that I can get obnoxious, so you might want to get ready to clench your fists and grit your teeth now. Haha. Okay, since there are only two characters in this story, this might not actually take as long as usual. Let's start with Pansy. First thing you should know is that, no, I'm not a huge Pansy-fan, so I'm really trying hard not to be biased. If you've seen my author's page you know that I HAVE tried to write for her a few times, so I am open-minded that's she's not all bad. Okay, I see Pansy as a very vicious person towards outsiders. I think she's probably different towards Draco though, and that's what you portrayed. I don't think that it's "impossible," per say, that Pansy loved Draco, but I think it's very unlikely. I think that perhaps she THOUGHT that she loved him, but what she was feeling wasn't real love. So here's my problem with your Pansy: I think that the canon Pansy is too... Slytherin... to say some of the things that Pansy said to Draco here. I don't think that it's impossible for her to think that she loved him, but I think she's too self-serving to ever say she'd "do anything" for anyone. But honestly, it's starting to sound like my Pansy-bias is coming out, so I'll move on. Next is our dear Draco. I'll do a completely different paragraph for my psycho-analysis of the young Malfoy, but first I'll tell you what I thought of yours. Which was that he's probably more canon than any Draco I've ever portrayed. XD I think you treated his character wonderfully. I think it's very good that Draco in your story was sort of emotionally indecisive. I think that canon-Draco is the same way. I liked that even DRACO didn't know where he stood on his relationship with Pansy until it was too late. I think that's very accurate to how someone would probably feel in his position--completely shaken and unable to think clearly.
So here's my psycho-analysis of Draco Malfoy, in case you would like to know or feel any desire to write for him again: I think that Draco is inherently misunderstood. I think there's a lot more to him than people give JKR credit for. I think that, yes, Draco's a daddy's boy. And yeah, he's pretty slimy. He's not a traditionally hero, if anything, he's an antihero. But the thing about Draco is that he isn't truly EVIL either. He talks big but doesn't really want to carry through with anything and I think he's very scared of the future that was laid out for him by his family. I think that, more than likely, Draco would have been on the side of the Order of the Phoenix--had he not been so proud. His pride is his tragic flaw. He doesn't want anyone thinking he's less than perfect and he's probably scared of people looking down on him. He had no reason to ever come to terms with treating another person as an equal. And with anything involving relationships, Draco probably doesn't want to show that he's attached. That, in his mind, would make him vulnerable and weak. He'd rather play it cool and pretend to be perfect.
Okay, there's so much more I can say, and if you're interested, feel free to PM me on the forums. I've got a serious obsession with doing character studies. :]
For my final thoughts on your story: I don't think you give it enough credit. I honestly think you did a very good job, though I'll probably never like Pansy. I think you did a great job of showing the emotions that the characters were feeling and everything clicked together very well. It's a study in internal feelings really, and I liked it.
Good job, you did really well.
Author's Response: Hi Emily! You know the drill - or actually what happened. So I'll just say thank you ONE more time and give you a smiley.