|Review:||The Luna says:|
Let me begin with a hi, I'm The Luna of course and you asked me to review so here it is. I like how you said 'I has Gred and Forge? XD ' hehe. And a happy easter to you to. I'll begin with the summary (I only talk about the title if needs be, and it is good). I like your conclusion, it doesn't leave to much and makes you want to read on. No problems there.
I think the first few lines a re interesting, it is just right for the drama and shouting to happen in the Burrow...like in the books I feel kind of at home. Two small problems to begin with: Ron crying. I know it is sort of shouting but...well I think it should be a different word if I'm honest. I know he is a bit whiney with his family, but maybe it should be changed...maybe screamed or even what you say later shouted. You've got him correct so far though. The other minor problem is Mrs Weasley talking about wishing for peace and quiet which is right...only I think you should say at the same time she wouldn't change it for the world, we know that is the truth but it makes it that little bit warmer and Mrs Weasley-ish if you ask me.
So the next little bit of a problem is you use 'cried' again. This use works really well if you ask me but I would consider changing the first 'cried'. So far, I'm talking up until Ginny tells Molly Ron is touching her seat it is good, I think your characterisation is well...and there isn't to much speech. It is still early days but good one so far.
I'm wondering if Molly is to stern and serious? I don't mean to sound bad but how she looks at Ron stern, her words and tiredness...I'm sorry but I'm wondering if that seems a bit to severe for Molly, again it may just be that part and nothing to worry about. Your characterisation of Ginny is good so far, I'm liking what she did at Ron in victory. You mention how there is always arguments in the Weasley household, again I think this may seem a bit serious...maybe you should add it is always busy or something aswell?
I like the idea of Ron's toe missing, the way he is trying to tell her...it all made me laugh I think Molly is a bit angry, shouldn't she ask about it? Maybe she is having an off day, but that needs to be mentioned. Maybe he would try to say stuff and Molly should cut him off, angry? It would add to the humour and story. It is interesting, by now you've drawn me in completely and your writing is good, better than me haha.
I've just seen Molly look at his toe, and it does seem she is having a bad day... I think it would be a good idea to say that. Otherwise it leaves me, at least, wondering why is she moody? One thing Molly does, you haven't done but may want to is use the word 'dear', like when she is consoling Ron...it'd be a good part of characterisation. I think I like your part about the '4 pairs of feet thundering down rickety old stairs', again it just makes it seem homely. Excellent.
In the 'right children' sentences Molly uses 'Ronny-kins' I like it. I'd add more of her softness however, in fear of 'Ronny-kins sounding out of place.
I'm up to the part where Percy walks out the room, saying he will help but he won't touch it. I'm honestly wondering about what you meant by the twins saying green isn't his colour...sickness? The main reason I'm basically pausing here is that your characterisation of the Weasley children is good, I mean that. You shouldn't really worry about your characterisation.
Ron wanting his toe is funny. Fungus growing haha. Poor embarrassed Ron. I'm interested in how it's gone, I do hope it is explained.
Fred and George are perfection. I really, really like them. I personally am always in fear I wont write them right or see a good piece on them but this... the way they're talking about their cauldron and 5 sickles, finishing each others sentences...well done :) The way Molly is to the twins after she hears this is good, I like 'Shush, Ronald… Now, you two ought to tell me what you did to your cauldrons, or god help me I’ll -' that is her so much.
It is really good still. I think maybe their should be more of the search? I'm not sure on that however. Trust it to be them! Perfect scene, trust them! Love it. You really have characterised well :)
Now a quick summary:
I think you've done well overall. There isn't to much speech, sometimes pieces need a bit more speech...this is one of them. You've characterised well, I love Fred and George. There is changes I've offered.
I'm sorry if it is to critical/ long/nit-picky. Please let me know what you think. I haven't read through what I've write here, if you want to speak to me feel free. Hope I've helped. Luna
PS- I'm giving it a 9 out of 10:)
Author's Response: Wow. Thanks for such a long, detailed review. I felt like I was reading it right along with you.
I always found Molly very stern as a mother... probably in comparing her to mine. So I think I may've over exaggerated her moodiness a little considering it's not something I've ever really known from my own mum. Mines nice all the time and not strict at all whereas Molly seems kind of volatile to me, with mood swings and things like that. But maybe not so rapid as I've done, haha.
I'm so glad you liked that bit with her and the twins negotiating though. That was my favourite bit to write and I loved my portrayal of the Fred and George, if you donĂ˘Â€Â™t mind me tooting my own horn xD.
I see where you're coming from with the 'cried' thing, but I think it's also down to how the reader thinks of the word cried. In the way I've used it (sans tears :P) I see it more as a kind ofĂ˘Â€Â¦ the boy who cried wolf type thing. I'll look into that first instance you were talking about and see if I can think of something else that could fit but not sound too repetitive.
My characterisation of the Weasley children is good?! YAY. I'm so pleased to hear you say that, especially because I've been wanting to write more oneshots like this exploring the Weasleys, mainly the kids though. I'm quite keen to explore Molly's relationship with Arthur too. It's clear they love each other very much in the books but there was never really that much about them.
I'm quite surprised about the speech comment. Considering it's something I always worried there was too much of and your saying there's too little of I may just leave it as it is as some kind of middle ground.
I'm sorry if this response doesn't match up to your review in length or content but I'm just a bit stunned at the moment. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this. And don't worry at ALL about the criticisms. I work really well on them and now I know that my Molly Weasley isn't quite up to par and I'll make sure I make some little changes for the next one. I think if she was in a different situation she may be a little less stern, I just think that she really likes to keep a firm eye on her kids so... yeah xD. I think I did always picture her as having a bad day when this is going on because the women in my family ALWAYS make pastry when they're not having good days xD. I suppose in that respect I haven't yet got this oneshot thing down properly, but hey! Practice makes perfect :D
Thanks again for your review. It's hugely appreciated. You were detailed enough and pointed out everything. The perfect reviewer! XD
Happy Easter :D