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Review:Alopex says:
Well, I see you are aware that you're using non-canon Next-Gen characters, so I won't harp on that, other than to say that I find Next-Gen confusing enough as it is, so you really threw me for a loop there for a minute when I started seeing all those names I didn't recognize. o_O One thing you might want to change, though, is that you misspell Victoire as Victorie.

I know in your request you said you were most concerned about chapters 4 and 6, but right now I'm only reviewing one chapter so I can get to as many people as possible--and I hate leaping into a story somewhere in the middle, you know?

So anyway. I can't really comment on plot yet, since even in a chaptered story that has more action in the first chapter, it's difficult to form a real impression after one chapter. I do think it would have been nice to include something happening in this chapter other than Rose introducing her family, though.

With Next-Gen characters especially, you do have to set time aside to introduce them all (and I need that, because as I said, they confuse me a bit no matter what). However, this chapter was so heavy on character introduction that it was really difficult for me to follow. I don't know about other people, but personally, I have a lousy memory for this kind of stuff. You have to sneak it on me more gradually, like a parent hiding vegetables, otherwise I forget straightaway. You're lucky if I manage to remember the characters' names, much less who their parents are and what they look like.

What I'm trying to say is that I think this chapter would be easier for readers like me to understand and remember if the information was broken up more. Maybe in the future, try experimenting with introducing characters as they come up in the story, rather than doing it all in one fell swoop?

The flow I found to be fine, though, primarily because it sounded like Rose's thoughts or something she might be saying. Conversation tends to be somewhat more fluid than big blocks of description. At least, it seems easier to me to make it sound fluid.

Rose is coming across as the sort of girl who would probably annoy the heck out of me if I knew her in real life, but she's got a really strong voice in this story. The story is bursting with her personality, so if this is going to be a character-centric fic, you're building a strong foundation here.

Author's Response: Alright! Thank you very much. I've never done a next gen fic so I made beginners mistake of putting all the description of characters into one big clump.

I've been planning on trying to go back and make it work better, but I haven't had any inspiration on how to rewrite it. I'll be sure to not make that mistake again though.

This is a character-centric fic, so I'm glad her personality is coming through! (even if she is a bit annoy aha)

Thanks for the review, it was very helpful and I'll be sure to use all your suggestions (:


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