|Review:||Violet Gryfindor says:|
Hey Marina! This is a very interesting portrayal of the Rose/Teddy ship and a very powerful story, filled with intense and realistic emotion. The beginning was especially moving in how you described Rose's desire - there's a great force to that description that reflects Rose's own determination, and starting with that made your story more compelling.
And where Rose is very clear-cut, Teddy is more vague, but I think that works for the story. Just knowing that Rose is so passionately in love with him is enough - it allows the reader to create their own picture of the sort of person Teddy should be, an ideal man who needs no actual description. His actions later in the story were unexpected (as I'm pretty die-hard with this ship in my own head :P), but they suited your version of Teddy, who seems such an upright guy, not used to breaking the rules.
You mentioned on TGS that you were worried about the flow, and there were a couple things I noticed that disturbed the flow for me. The first was "gut", and though it's probably a personal taste thing, it came as too hard a word in comparison to the softer consonants throughout the rest of that paragraph. Also, because you're very consistent in keeping this story from Rose's perspective, the sentence how fragile she seems was an odd one, as it sounds like it's more from Teddy's perspective - an answer for why he's tempted by her. She's so strong up to that point that I don't think she would feel fragile next to him - young, yes, but her feelings are overwhelming, and fragile would be more of a word I'd attribute to Teddy here, as he's not that hard for her to tempt.
The ending section also seemed slightly off in relation to the rest of the story. It might be because you change focus, getting inside of both Rose and Teddy's heads whereas, before that, you only focused on Rose. I love the language of the last few paragraphs - that part by itself is brilliantly-written - but they don't flow as well with the rest of the story. The vagueness works, it's just the perspective that's disturbing the flow.
I'm not used to being critical in detail in reviews, so sorry if this came off as harsh or confused. I enjoyed reading this, both for its fantastic use of words and its portrayal of the ship. :D
Author's Response: First off, no you didnt come off as harsh! It surprised me to see you even felt like you needed to apologise - you were most helpful.
You know, I never noticed I'd changed perspectives? That was completely unintentional and I'll definitely go back and revise that. It doesn't make any sense for the whole thing to be from Rose's perpective and then to suddenly switch - this is perhaps exactly where my flow problems were and I just couldnt spot it. That's also quite a relief, because I just didnt know where to start before now because I couldnt work out where the flow was off.
thank you so much for this review, Susan! I really appreciate your help and I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.