|Review:||Sleeping Paige says:|
I swear that I wrote out your review three times and it never got posted. I thought for a moment that perhaps you deleted it. Please respond, as these take time to write out. I’m not saying anything happened. These tend to get less and less with each draft because I simply get tired of looking at it. Be glad that I’m doing it again.
First off, I wasn’t to start this discussion off talking about writing. You say here that you ‘hope that this is a good attempt at fluff’. I’m thinking, ‘Dear God, no, tell me she didn’t just put that and she’s asking for reviews.’ And we haven’t touched your writing yet, so I did not just insult you. ‘Fluff’ should not even be considered as a genre. (Almost all the stories here are not only written poorly, they fall into this category. Even worse, there is this thing called ‘romance fluff’. It’s not even writing. It’s so packed full will clichés that the words aren’t even worth reading. No thought, no description, no detail, no purpose: it lacks all of this, and it has flowery dialogue to boot. If you are looking for reviews, that’s all good and fine. However, if you’re practicing as a writer, this is NOT a trap you want to fall into. It’s the trash that fills county newspapers. You need a connection (even if they don’t get it) with an audience. Don’t just write to fill up a paper because you will not care about it. Yes, love, you will have stacked clichés like Dom’s layered cake. Don’t make this your goal. Just write.
That being said, I think the best of the piece is this banter between Teddy and Rose. You give him a joking personality. I actually like this part where you have his eye colour switching shades. However, you lose me with this ‘golden brown hair’ because it reminds me of Twilight. Meyer, unfortunately, makes her living off of flowery language. You want to know why it’s so fun to write? It requires little thought because little girls tend to squeal at this type of thing. Not me. Excess, unnecessary detail kills a piece.
All right, I want to discuss Dom. You have her as ‘floating into the room’. Cliché Veela. You realise that Fleur was the granddaughter of a Veela. So, that means he kids would be like, 1/16th? That’s if they got the hereditary trait. She’s not drop dead gorgeous. Pretty, perhaps, but not everything is related to genetics. Whether that temper is related to Veela thing or the French attitude, I think you’re over exaggerating on both points. Especially in the case of Louis.
You have grammatical errors. Notice the commas after dialogue shouldn’t be there. It’s a nice piece, but yourrely too much on dialogue, so we don’t know who is who. All we get is ‘he said’. ‘she said’, and most of it doesn’t seem to have a purpose, as far as moving the storyline along. You are writing Next Generation. You have to build these characters from these clues that JKR gave in that dialogue. I would revise. I do that all the time.
I know this is harsh, and I hope that’s what you wanted. I hope this helps.
Write. Please respond to the review and return the favour,
Author's Response: Niyuri, I assumed you had rethought your wording in removing your last 'review', as I did not I presume the staff removed it for being a flame. If you expect to keep your forum status and for people to return the favour I would politely suggest you be more considerate in your reviews. I used to be a lit major myself, and welcome cc - this and the last review amuses rather than offends me - but if, like many on this site, I was a young developing writer I would have been crushed. I imagine many wouldn't reply, but you've made such an effort I will address all the points you raise out of courtesy alone.
I have written in every single era and in a wide range of genres. You may not like fluff, but I think any half decent author needs to be able to write across fields and experiment rather than stick to what comes naturally to them. Fluff was my experimentation, hence the AN. Also, can I remind you this is fanfiction? It's meant to be fun. If I want literature, I'll read Bronte or Tolstoy or write OF. Fluff is very much a genre, both here and commercially, whether or not you like it. It is often cliche, but avoiding every single cliche in the world is not possible or even original, working with them innovatively is, and takes more skill.
Teddy and hair: Andromeda had light brown hair, Remus sandy, as the vast majority of the world has shades of brown, golden brown is not uncommon. Rumour has it Edward Cullen has BRONZE hair, which is quite different.
Dom/Victoire: I don't believe I mentioned Veelas anywhere, but as the children of beautiful Fleur and Bill, who pre Greyback caught interest of Fleur, there is no way these children would not be stunning.
Grammer: most helpful part of the review, my beta and I both missed the Weasley misspelling.
Flowery Language : I believe history is littered with people (*cough* Shakespeare) making a living from it.
Thankyou for the review. All the best in the future