Hey there! I'm back for more. :D
Well, I read half of the last chapter last time because of the cliffhanger you left it off at. ;) So now I'm starting with the other half of chapter five and this chapter. Here I go!
You have But I just pretended not to noticed their attempts
noticed should be notice. I'm sure that one was just a typo!
I really liked this sentence:
Maybe Scorpius will wake up and wonder why he ever talked to a Weasley, then promptly go back to ignoring my existence.
Just a suggestion though, since you already mentioned Weasley, maybe you could say...to a Weasley, then promptly go back to being a Malfoy and ignoring my existence.
but my friends thought it would be a better use of my time to go outside, it was a lovely day and all.
Maybe you could instead try : but my friends thought it would be a better use of my time to go outside and bathe in the sparkiling, warm sun.
"Always the charmer Justin." She laughing, her eyes sparkling.
Instead try: "Always the charmer Justin," she says laughing, a sparkle in her eye.
We all give him skeptical glares, he sure is laying it on thick.
He gives us all a genuine smile, I swear this boy must take a charming potion every morning.
Those are fragments! You can put in ; instead of the comma, or put in a period and have the second part be a sentence. You have a lot of trouble with fragments; if you're in doubt, I'd suggest for you to just go on the safe side and use a period. Or you chould shoot me a pm if you want!
Hehe, can't wait to see what happens in detention with James and Scorpius. Back to reading!
I think you meant slime!
Back to reading, this is getting interesting. :P
Scorpius shout's angrily
Oh noo apostrophie there! it should not be shout.
"With pleasure." James says in a sadistic manner, and he gets ready to cast a spell on Scorpius.
He raises is wand in the air, but right before he can utter a curse, the door opens.
Instead try: "With pleasure," James says sadistically, raising his wand to cast a spell on Scorpius. Just as the curse was about to leave his lips, the door opens.
Hahahha, I love the description of the awful thing Peeves did!
James is such a cutie! :P
He then proceeds to ruffle my hair and flounce out of the trophy room. I hate my hair being ruffled and hate the word "cuz." Of course, heís fully aware of this, he just chooses to do so anyway. Gotta love family right?
^^ Haha, I loved that line!
must clean up said water.
I think you're using the word "said" too much. Every now and then it's okay, but don't overdo it!
Awh, I feel bad for Scorpius. :(
Okay, this sentence is not right.
A long period of time passes before Scorpius finally speaks.
"Goodnight Rosie, Iím sorry I let you down."
If I had been there I would have asked him why he though he let me down. But I never heard him say those words, I was already gone.
She's not there. There's no way she would know. If you want to keep it, I would suggest switichign to Scorpius's view and saying it. However, if you don't want to do that, I think you should get rid of it. Still though, I think it's a really powerfull sentence, and you should keep it in by making it Scorpius' POV!
Ummm, Chalie says that she scared him last night? Wasn't the Scoprius incident two nights ago and detention last night?
Okay onto this chapter!!
No, we're too manly. Heís my best friend, so he knows that there's more to it. But he doesn't press the issue because he also doesnít enjoy discussing feelings unless is absolutely necessary.
^^ Haha, manly mans! I loved that part!! It's such a guy thing haha.
Scorpius is just soo smooth. :P
full of food and/or drink
Since he's talking, you don't need the /. I actually suggest not having the / at all, since this is a novel type story.
James shamelessly flirted with Erin and Arianna and Jeff are going through a phase were they snog more than talk.
Okay, the first time I read that sentence, it scared me. I though James was flirting with his cousin! Try rewriting it like this : James flirted shamelessly with Erin, while Arianna and Jeff continued with their ongoing phase of snogging more than talking.
I just donít want her to be put in a position where she has to choose between her family or me.
^^ Awwwh, Malfoys such a caring young man! :P
Haha, James' ego is up the roof. But that's what I love about him! :D
"CONFRINGO!" Yellís Hugeo
Nooo! NO apostraphie in yells!
When Rose tries to get Hugeo and Al to work it out, I suggest writing that scene out! Give more detail! I'm sure it would have been funny too!
Awwh, I like Ryan, he seems funny. :P
Alright mam, if you insist.
Mam should be spelled ma'am!
Hhahaha suck our your soul! You have some really great lines in here!!
^ Hmm. Yeah, don't use / these anymore. Just write hurt and angry.
I loved the parents letter! Ron and Hermione are a familar ground for the readers. :D
When you help destroy the evilest wizard of all time, people tend to listen to you more.
^^ Hehe, I would hope soo!!
I suggest giving your minor characters more depth. There are just so many! Since you didn't use the regular names for next gen, it's hard to even keep track of the cousins.
I loved Rons birthday message, and how Hermiones still going strong on SPEW. :P
Argh, I want to know why he visited! Pleaseee update soon and rerequest! Take extra caution of those fragments And hope this review helped you. I spend a lot of time on it; I think it's my longest review left. This is what I do when I should be doing math homework :P
Keep writing! :D
Author's Response: Wow thank you! That was a super long review :D thank you! Gah I'm so sorry about all the typos. I'm trying my best to edit myself, but it's rather difficult and I still don't have a beta :(
Thanks, I'll be sure to go back and fix all the mistakes! Oh, and the charlie thing? I didn't even realize that =O! I'll have to go back and fix it. You're review really was super helpful! I'll be aware of fragments and apostrophy issues. I'm glad your enjoying the story even if it is filled with tons of error!
Haha you liked alot of my favorite parts, so I'm glad about that! I'll try to update soon, real life is getting in the way alot lately! I'll re-request when its up :D (ps. sorry I kept you from your math hw! haha)