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Review:RocketBabyDoll9 says:
Hey there, Rocket here with the review you requested at the forums.

I'll start off with some CC (constructive crit) before I get to the rest of the review.

"James took a pick at the Marauders map and it showed a one Peitho Taylor using the same route." 'Pick' should read 'peek' and you do not need the 'a' in front of 'one'.

"There was no way she is a student here, James thought." You change tenses in this sentence. It shouldn't have 'was' and then 'is', it should have 'is' and 'is' or 'was' and 'was.' It would also help if you put the thought itself in italics.

"The cut of her robes accentuate the soft curves of her figure." This is in the present tense, and the rest of the paragraph is in past. It should say 'accentuated.'

"There was something about her that made him think, here comes another Veela mixed human" You left off a period after human, and because it's a thought, it should probably be in italics.

"No offence lady". Unless you are British and you spell offense with an 's' (which I'm not sure if you do there or not) then that should say 'offense.'

"Darn why had Fred forgotten his wand in Gryffindor." There's something a bit awkward about this. Firstly, it doesn't have a question mark at the end. Secondly, there should at least be a comma after 'darn' or a change in the phrasing.

"I do believe your grandfather is happy you have put it to great use just like he did with the other three markers. I believe 'marker's should be 'makers'?

"Voldermort" I was actually not going to tell you what specific mistakes you made until I got to this one, and I just couldn't help it. I know you know how to spell it, but it's one of those typos that just makes me go 'gah!'

There are quite a few mistakes like that. They usually happen when one is typing too fast, and doesn't revise. Happens to me all the time, just give it a good once over, or request a beta.

Other than that, there weren't any real grammar mistakes. You made James' 18th birthday too big of a deal for the wizarding world, considering they become of age at 17, but it is of course your story, so you can write that however you want.

Anyway, the idea of this was pretty original, haven't really read anything like it.

Sorry if this review seemed like nothing but CC, wasn't supposed to be harsh, hope it didn't come across that way.

Feel free to re-request whenever I have a slot open.

Sara

Author's Response: Yikes! I didn't see any of those mistakes. I appreciate you pointing them out. I can't believe you saw the missing period. That was some observation.

I've set my default language to United Kingdom since it is what we are taught in school.

I got Voldemort wrong!!! (I need to be kicked, stuffed in a crate and shipped to Azkaban).

I didn't mind the CC. I needed someone to see what I had missed.

The big deal with the birthday was because it was his last in Hogwarts. I was thinking about setting it for his seventeenth but knowing James. He wouldn't have forgiven anyone. I wouldn't.

I've gone through it again and made the changes. Thank you so much, Sara.


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