Hi! This is Kristen with the review you requested ^_^ I hope you've had a nice day so far!
First, I got to say I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that you did something so different compared to most fanfictions here at HPFF. There was no Hogwarts, no British accents (which are awesome by the way) but it was a take on the American wizarding world! It's so nice to read something set in a different culture other than British. It was fresh :) So kudos on the originality factor! Just curious, what made you want to set your story in America?
You have a grammar mistake in your story title; you have "powerfully" instead of just "powerful" :) Just thought I'd let you know. I'd also say that, personally, your story summary was a little bit confusing because of the incomplete, choppy sentences...but that's just me. Are you going to request for a banner? Banners catch people's eyes, I know for me, and for alot of others, seeing a banner could draw you into the story :). I hope you're not offended! :( It's not my intention.
I thought your second chapter was better than your prologue, your descriptions in it started to actually show the scene being played out instead of it being told to us. I think that's why I just had a wee bit trouble going through the prologue because things were more or less being told rather than shown. Like maybe instead of having that interview with Susan, Dan, Matt, and Derick you could have shown some elements to it, like her hair color changing. Or Steven - how can us readers tell everyone doesn't like him? I'd also would have liked to have seen more character description - I don't even really know what Dan, Matt, and Derrick look like, and it would have helped putting names to faces, in my opinion ^_^. Things like that :).
Characters speaking, I like how all the main characters you showed (Susan, Dan, Matt, Steven etc.) had personality. But, I have to admit, I think you introduced us to too many characters up front. I had a bit of reader's whiplash when all the family members kept popping up and it was just hard to keep track of who was who and who was with who. It's probably because of the lack of character description, but I figured it couldn't hurt to put that out there ^_-. With Dan, I kind of thought he was being a little insensitive with Steven; yeah, Steve may be a brat, but he had a troubled life. He's not used to magic and growing up in a religious household, as you said, sort of solidified his handicap at understanding magic. I actually really liked how Matt and his twin smoked! Yes, smoking is bad, and I'd never do it in a million years - but it's nice to see adults who do do that. It made them human.
This is going to sound pretty random, but was Alvitre and co. based of the Joker and his minions? For some reason as I was picturing this Alvitre being paranoid I kept thinking of Heath Ledger in Joker attire, laughing "Why so serious?" :P Weird, I know, but I had to ask!
I'd say go through and comb out some of the convention mistakes; I saw like in the first chapter you had "Dan looked at little spacey" and in the second, one paragraph breaks off mid sentence - there were a few instances where "(no comma" came up, which sort of interrupted the smooth flow of the story :).
Your writing though I'd say is very good, it sort of had an air of Stephen King (the stuff by King I did read, I love him, but haven't had a chance ot read alot.) I was pleasantly surprised with this sotry :D
Good job writing 4000+ word chapters, by the way! I can tell you planned things carefully.