Hey! It's me, Kristen with your review that you requested today ^_^. I thought your story was very funny! James has such a dry sense of humor (I think being sardonic is the funniest type, don't you agree?) I laughed alot reading this.
But at the same time the whole story was kind of a little like a whirlwind - so much was happening that it got slightly confusing, and then some parts weren't answered at all. I had to reread parts to finally get that eureka moment, such as the wedding. First he falls in love with her walking down the aisle but then he sort of contradicts himself by saying he started getting hot for her when she was in a dress fitting. Also, Marietta. He goes on about he loves her but he keeps thinking about Avery...I personally think you cut Marietta's scene just a bit short, there wasn't really enough to give us readers clues whether if James did break up with her or if he's being a typical berk.
Your characterizations were great! As I said before, I love James' sardonic tone. Plus, your sense of his voice was very captivating. And I really like how Avery has some spunk. I feel bad for Marietta though.
When I was reading this I saw that you're a big fan of the parentheses :) I like them too, plus parentheses help bring more impact to humor. However at points, the things in parentheses were admittedly unnecessary. For instance, we know that is Fred II and James I was James II's grandad because both namesakes are dead. Not to mention sometimes where they were placed sort of disrupted the narrative.
Your dialogue was also nice. It didn't sound forced or unnatural. But I don't think British people would use a phrase like 'bro' though...that sounds distinctly American to me :( But other than the bro, your dialogue was good.
I came out of the one shot as thinking his 'love' for Avery was just merely lust; he being a Casanova and all. Was that what were trying to go for?
Overall, nice job. It was a breath of fresh air!
Author's Response: SQUEAL!
Wow! That was such a great review and you've made my day! And I just got up too! *does happy dance*
Um, yeah, about the love-her-when-she's-walking-down-the-aisle-but-not-before-he-fell-in-love-with-her-at-the-fitting, confusion. Oh my, I think I'm going to have to go and change it later to make it a tad clearer yeah? :)
Yeah, the 'bro' part, I've got it edited in the beta-d version which is on its way! I really wasn't thinking clearly when I did that, obviously, since I know that Britishers don't say 'bro'. *shakes head*
In my beta-d version, no parenthesis, I think they made this one-shot a bit more confusing, and plus most of the stuff in parentheses wasn't required anyway, like the Fred II and James II parts! :)
Dialogue! Yes! it worked! I've been working on natural dialogue for so long, because most of the time my written dialogue isn't natural at all! But I guess the research (pffft, yeah sure. More like bugging my friends about it every two second) :P
James..well James is a tough character to handle but I write him so much better than his dad, Harry. They're so alike yet I write James better, I wonder why?
Love or lust, that is the question.
Yup, that was it, I guess, but he could love her too! I never really figured James out fully, so, yeah! :)
Thatnks for such an awesome review! I'm going to go and squee about it for the whole! And thanks for making my day! :)
P.S: James is slightly like me, I'm very sarcastic all the time and Avery (Emma in the beta-d version, Another fic had similar characters) well she's a bit of me and bits of all my best friends too! :) Just to make things cear, I'm a girl so James is like me only for the sarci part. :)
Whoa! Long P.S! :P