Hey, Marina!! *hugs* So you want to know what I think, huh? :P
Your descriptions are damn beautiful, and that ethereal beauty about them is strengthened by the use of the present tense. You said you were afraid you rambled on in the description. The truth? Well, yes, just a little bit. I understand completely if you were trying to capture the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that stampeded Rose, but I have to admit, there were points where I kept getting out of focus with the story. Not to mention, your very first sentence...well, I don't want to say overdone because it's a beautiful, poetic way of saying she was getting drunk...at least that's what I'm assuming. And that is the problem for me at least - I can only suspect she was getting drunk. And, to be honest, I had a little reader's whiplash when I was reading that they were kissing and then BAM he forgot who he was doing the horizontal bop with. So watch for pace?
If you decide to edit this story, perhaps you should talk about what Rose and Teddy look like (well, I was just picturing Katy Perry and James MacAvoy...random, yes, but it would be nice to know what they look like) and moreover, go into TEDDY'S emotions a bit deeper. The story is in third person and I noticed you dipped into him a little bit near the end, but WHY did he do it? WHAT was he feeling with Rose? I think that would make the story stronger.
As for dialogue, I do think more wouldn't hurt. Because those two little pieces of dialogue spoken by Teddy seemed to drown in the ocean of (very beautiful) description. Have Rose speak, even if she's tongue tied. Dialogue makes a character breathe. Maybe using flashbacks would help. Like, when Rose is thinking of Hermione's and Victoire's reactions or how she always lusted after Teddy, show it. What made her fall in lust with him? Does she have a history of this that angers Hermione, makes Victoire jealous and protective? By the way, is Rose a Slytherin?
I LOVED how you interweave how the stars would be the only ones to bear witness to their sin. Those were my personal favorite lines. Where did you get the idea to do that?
I thought your characterization was fine, just a little fleshing out I think is all those two lustbirds need and you're golden ;)
You're an amazing writer, Marina!
Author's Response: Hi Kristen :D
I must admit, I do love the present tense. Everything just seems to come more naturally that way. I was indeed worrying about rambling, so thank you very much for pinpointing where I need to watch out for it - I dont think capturing the whirlwind, as you put it, could work if you're getting out of focus with the story. I really want to keep the reader hooked so I'll be sure to go over it again and check out which bits need pruning and improving.
I think the problem was I hadnt decided whether Rose was drunk or not - I think I was leaning towards the more on the confident side of drunk rather than out of control. I'll be sure to clear that up and work on that opening sentence too! And as for pace, I have to agree with you. I was scared of that bit because, again, I was sure how they'd interact. So a bit of chicken on my part! Also... horizontal bop? I LOVE that phrase, it seriously made me laugh! I'll be adopting it from now on :D Anyway, will work on the pace and maybe use that point to flesh out their characters and history a bit more. And as for description of the characters themselves, I deliberately left out their descriptions because a) it was dark and b) I wanted things to happen fast and I'm not sure whether Rose would have noticed these things in the heat of the moment. Again, I'll go over it and check that that comes across a bit better.
The line about stars - I dont actually know where I got the idea from. Probably because it was night, and stars come out at night. So... nope, that doesn't explain it, but I can't think of anything else!
thanks so much for taking the time to review for me, Kristen - I really really appreciate it!