Hey there! It's Kristen here with your review :).
Do you want the sweet or the sour first? Well, I feel things go better if they end on a good note, so I'll tell you what I personally thought you could improve on. It's just that - my personal opinion, please don't take any offense :) I'm only trying to help!
I congratulate you on trying to write in a stream of consciousness, but at points the images you were trying to create in my head got very muddled. One such point was here:
"Throughout everything, all the woes and trials Draco—trials! Isn’t that a way to put it?—put Harry through, he still tried to save him."
Be descriptive, try playing on your reader's emotions. Have you ever read "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien? It is a VERY good and powerful book on being soldiers in Vietnam. It sweeps you into an ocean of emotions, the reality of war and death. I strongly recommend it if you ever see it at your bookstore. Anyway, with "The Things They Carried," the author writes in the moment, ensnares you into the overwhelming feelings a soldier feels a the brink of death. Yet he does it with such clarity that makes the book all the more powerful.
I wish you could have been perhaps a little bit more descriptive with Pansy, perhaps given her more defining characteristics and movements. Also, Pansy is dying. And dying pretty quickly, from what I got in the story. I didn't see anything really WRONG with it, but I just personally thought it was a tad unrealistic that she could go on speaking like that. If a rock was crushing me and I knew I was dying, I would either be saying few words (words take breath, like when Hamlet dies, he says "the rest is silence," the two syllable word of 'silence' took energy and then he died) or I would be trying to spew out as much as I could in one breath. I like that you enforced that her voice was quiet, and the other effects of dying such as coughing blood, but I never really fully got the blow that Pansy is DYING (a rather horrible death too), rasping breaths and whimpers and all. I hope that came out right!
Watch out for typos, I noticed that Pansy tells Draco how she wanted to help him with coping with the task, she says "go it" instead of "do it." Just a nitpicky comment, but I thought you'd like to know :).
Okay! Now onto the sweet stuff!
I loved your sentence structure, and how each sentence flowed. The long ones into short and vice versa. It had a very nice effect, and it sort of measured how Draco's mind was in a mess.
My favorite lines were:
"He could see her, smiling smugly and waving as she passed him, eyes bright. As though he deserved death, or something. Maybe he did."
"His place was next to his father—at the Dark Lord’s feet. How pitiful. "
I think you captured the essence of Draco quite nicely. The brief flashes of bitterness, the fear that showered over him; I'm glad he wasn't typical fanfiction Draco. I liked how he said he loved her after she was dead. I love happy/bittersweet endings, but I think if he actually told her he loved her when she was still alive, it would sort of came off as cheesy. I enjoyed the way you did it - especially when he repeated her name in denial.
Just one question - if you were writing a fanfiction where their roles were reversed, do oyu think Pansy would have done the same for Draco as Draco did for her/ Or was his assumptions the truth?
Overall, I liked this story :). Thanks for requesting!
Author's Response: Kristen! Aw. It sucks. I typed it up I swear. Okay, it's been completely edited thanks mostly to your input (and read through several times for typos), but I responded before I edited . . .
Anyways, it's okay. I'll take each paragraph in stride . . . I understand that line could be confusing. I was writing from . . . a stream of consciousness that is rather screwed up. It was stylized off of The Things They Carried (was reading that at the time, oddly enough), and then when I finished this I was reading Heart of Darkness by Conrad. yeah. Those don't mix well. So in the edit I went back, after reading As I Lay Dying again, and made it more . . . streamy.
But yeah, those typos are incredibly embarrassing. Oi. I do feel a tingle of 'oh no . . . I did that?' every time I read this and saw those mistakes.
I'm actually surprised you thought O'Brien's book was powerful. Grand book, but the main point of that books is not it's story telling, but the way he plays with the reader's mind. Is this a biography? Isn't it? He said it was, then said it wasn't? Was the whole last chapter about death . . . what was that? You know? But I guess you could make the argument it was powerful at time. That star-shaped hole . . . yeah, I have to agree with you. And it was so believable! Ahh, getting off track . . .
I hope with the edit I made Pansy less stoic, and I think I did. Rereading she does come as more an object than a person.
Thank you for the compliments, too. I'm glad you did like it overall. Now onto that question. I don't think I can answer that question. I mean, it's arguable both ways, and just . . . Pansy's character is so vague. I mean. If I had to choose one or the other, I'd think Draco was right. She'd pass on by, sticking her tongue out and laughing as she cursed a Muggle born (dramatization).
Anyways, I'm SO sorry for taking so long with the reply. Like I said. I did reply! Oh well, I hope this was all right, and thank you very much for reviewing my one-shot!