Hi there! Wow! I must say I wasn't expecting an intro such as this. I mean, it's great how well you drew me in and made me want to read more. That is the key element to writing! You did a great job and left quite an impression on me!
I really like Nellie's character. She seems charming, slightly self-conscious, but beautiful in her own way. Already, I think that she is a good friend and isn't as lax about her attitude as everyone seems to think. You really got inside her head, which is absolutely essential. Lovely job!
The critique I would like to give you is mainly cliches. It's cool that Sirius cares about his hair, but do you have to make him so brainless (I will contradict myself in a second)? I dunno, the way you write him seems like you want him to be Hogwarts' playboy, when by all means he shouldn't be. This is Sirius Black after all! And I was a little touchy-feely about the fan club. That's a cliche I think everyone can do about. But I am rambling now, and if I meant to hurt your feelings, I am really sorry, because that was not my intention!
Hmm, you did spice things up a bit when you made it very clear that Lily was in no way her friend. And that she envied her. It was a nice touch to use, because what girl does feel superior when around a seemingly more beautiful woman? You portrayed it nicely. And I loved it when Sirius told her to stop reading the crap about making herself perfect. Very wise in my opinion :)
I can see a bright future for this story; you certainly left it open for development. I hope to review soon!
Author's Response: Really? I'm amazed. Really. Thank you so much. That is something I aim for and constantly think I miss, so to hear that it drew you in makes me smile.
As Nellie, gets to know Sirius more...I guess he gets brains? Or something. It's just sometimes I struggle with Sirius because I can't give him an inner monologue unlike Nellie and I find it not so realistic for Nellie to know where he is all the time and such, sometimes he seems like he undeveloped. Sirius changes as Nellie gets to know him. I hope this makes sense, cause I sort of feel like I'm babbling. It's just Sirius gives off a different impression to the person he is as Nellie finds out.
I play around with cliches for humour reasons mostly, but I can see what you mean. I can understand why you're iffy about fan clubs, I can be too sometimes, so I'm going to take this into consideration and think about if it is needed.
And don't worry, you come off across as really nice, so you didn't seem harsh or anything. I can see you're trying to help and I really value your opinion.
I know and I strive to make Nellie like a normal person; the main thing for me is that the reader can relate to her, and tbh, the way Lily is portrayed, even by JK herself, she seems like the girl that people would be jealous off. When I first wrote this, every girl who got together with a Marauder was always Lily's best friend, so I thought it would be different to give her a best friend that is an OC and let her friendship with Lily develop throughout the story. I thought giving her an OC for a friend was different and I couldn't really imagine Lily throwing a quill at Sirius Black's head.
Yes, that's one of my favorite scenes in the story so far, so I'm glad you liked it.
Thank you so much for your review, it means a lot that you've taken time to do this.
Sorry with my late reply too, it's just I wanted to dedicated some quality time to give a good reply and I couldn't find the time :)