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Review:melian says:
Hi! Here with your review!

I'm not sure if I've reviewed for you before so the way I do it is this: I allow my inner critic to dictate the first bit and itemise any typos, grammatical errors or the like she found, and then I talk about your story.

So, first things first. I noticed a typo here: "as stuffy office" - I think you mean "a stuffy office". And I was going to pick you up on "pittoresque" until I realised it was French. Nice one! *grins*

And here, you've got an incorrect dialogue tag: "I'm so glad I found you, Dom!" She exclaimed ... Ideally, the "she" shouldn't be capitalised. The rule with dialogue is that if the dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, then the tag ("she exclaimed", in this case) needn't be capitalised because it's seen as still being the same sentence. Pennyardelle wrote a brilliant summary on formatting dialogue in the forums under "Writers Resources" if you need more clarity on this.

Finally, here you have some incorrect punctuation: "But look on the bright side," Victoire said with a weak smile, "Now you can finally have Teddy." If you want to keep this all the same sentence, you should uncapitalise "now". If you want to make it two sentences, then put a full stop (period, if you're American, which from your spelling I suspect you are) after "smile". Either would be fine but I think it has to be one or the other. Actually I think both dialogue errors happen more than once, but I'm only going to point them out once.

Right. Your story. This is very good! I liked it a lot. As far as the plot goes, which was your main concern, I think it worked very well - your characterisation of Dom, Teddy and Victoire was strong and consistent, their behaviour convincing and the transfer of affections almost logical. I liked the subtlety of the change of Ted's hair colour signifying his doubts about Victoire and the relationship as a whole, and the consistency in ice cream preferences as a suggestion that Ted and Dom were destined for each other in the first place. It was very cute.

My only criticism might be to extend her acceptance at the end out a bit - while the single sentence "I was surprised to find that loving Ted didn't feel as repulsive an idea when it came out of his mouth" is strong, part of me wanted it teased out a little more. Maybe more of an internal battle or more surprise or something rather than her just accepting it when he said it. Although, as she pointed out, that little declaration of his did make things much easier in the long run! So maybe I'm asking for something that doesn't need to be there. But yeah, it just felt a little too fast, especially considering she rejected the idea so thoroughly when Victoire suggested it. Just my opinion, of course.

Anyway I thought this was a great one-shot. It didn't feel unfinished, as a lot of them do, and you managed to set the scene very well using a minimal amount of words, which is a great talent and one I wish I had. Well done!

cheers, Mel

Author's Response: Thanks for the long, detailed review! I did go check out pennyardelle's topic, there wasn't much I didn't know but it was a good reminder.

I really enjoyed the characters here; if I had the patience to write a longer story with them, I would. :P

I think I'll play around with Dom's acceptance; I like the way it ends, but maybe I'll make her a little more reasonable when Victoire suggests it earlier.

Thanks for the great review!


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