Hi there, taylorj828 here with your review! First I want to say thanks for submitting this for the challenge. I know the characters changed along the way, haha, but this was a really wonderful piece to read, and I'm glad I had the chance to!
I liked in the first section where you descibed the clothing as moth-eaten. This immediately made me think it was Teddy, because I recall similar descriptions about his father, Lupin. And although characters don't become clones of their parents, still there is something special about an accidental resemblance, however small. Whether intentional or not, I liked that little detail.
Sorrow courses through me, bursts of it shrieking through my veins. Have I done this to him? Is it I who has let him look this way?
With this kind of language, I can immediately feel a heavy weight of emotion here. Great job with word choice and setting the mood and tone. I like your writer's voice.
I also love the cadence with the italicized lines in between the narrative. Unique and interesting, cleverly used for your story-telling.
I also liked the detail of Dominique's full name, how he didn't like it and it was intended to cause pain. These little details are excellent for developing characters. Great work!
Oh, and I loved the detail of the shadow hiding Teddy's expression. It painted the picture well, and I could see it clearly in my mind, and feel Dominique's longing to see his expression.
And of course I had to wonder why Dominique swore not to touch Teddy, though it became clear at the end, and was hinted at earlier on, that it was a forbidden romance, something he didn't want. But at the moment, you really had me intrigued, wanting to find out more!
Oh, one thing... I was a bit confused at the section where Teddy fell. It says that Dominique is on top of him, Teddy beneath him, and then Teddy's shoulders are on Dom's lap? I just can't picture how this happened, but I tend to think in pictures, so I stumble over some things like this.
As I read, I couldn't help but wonder at all the heaviness, and the dirt, the angst, the despair... I am deeply curious about what brought them here, to this point. Though the ending gives us lots of wonderful flashes of the past - well done. But I could easily read a whole novel, I think. (o:
I am complete, finding myself in a bond that I keep crawling back to, even when I have rejected it time after time after time.
Gorgeous line. Really. And it says so much.
And the ending is perfect. "An end." Not only is it the end of the story, but also seeming the end of theirs - them together, and no more leaving. Very clever! This was an fantastic story, really truly loved it! And it was your first slash, right? Wow, I would hardly believe it. This was so good, and you're a great storyteller! I'll have to check out your author's page now! Thanks for submitting this to the challenge, and I should be declaring winners sometime in early February. (o:
Author's Response: Oh, wow. Oooh, wow. What can I say after a review like that? A simple "thank you" can't even begin to cover the HUGE smile you've plastered on my face. Gah. Thank you so, so much. I don't even know what to say.
Hmm. I'll have to go check that line out! I'm definitely a visual reader as well, though I never noticed that line! I'll go through and sort that out. Thank you for bringing it to my attention!
Again, just... wow. I can't even begin to thank you. I really, really appreciate it.