Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:alanapotter says:
Gah! You've got me with just the first two words of this! Haha, I love Dedalus! :P

'“Dissori sam—”he interrupted, but the woman ducked and the spell shot over Bellatrix’s head.
“Petrificus Totalus!” ' - this confused be a bit... there was a lot of space between Bella's head and the spell... was Ded supposed to be interrupting by using the "Petrificus Totalus" spell? I think putting them on the same line would encourage that notion rather than placing the spell on it's own line.

"With another wave of her wand—the pseudo-lightning had since then faded away—Bellatrix sent the remaining Death Eaters’ wands" - the section where you mention that the lightning had faded disrupts the flow of the union of the Death Eaters preparing to get into the Manor... I'd try to slip it in earlier where it would be more timely in it's execution.

But EP! I love this chapter! The way you write multiple characters at one time is really stunning; usually I'm distracted because the bouncing back and forth can be really choppy, but yours flows so well :]

This was such a great chapter - so much action! Not to mention all the will they die? will Bella succeed? is Voldy just going to crush all of them? was epic :]

And this chapter definitely made up for the three month absence :P

Can't wait for the next one!
-Jill

Author's Response: Thank you for the tips. I'll take another look at those parts. I'm glad the multiple characters were written coherently and smoothly - I usually avoid writing conventional battle scenes because it's difficult to keep track of so much action. Bouncing back and forth is more apparent on paper than in cinema, for example. :P

Well, this invasion was so epic that it lasted 4 chapters. They're all up, so you won't have to wait. I'm working on the aftermath right now. Thank you for the long, terrific review!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 242
Submit Report: