Hey there! It's OneSongGlory from the forums.
So, one word: Incredible.
Ok, ok. I'll give you more than that :]
It was absolutely beautiful. Damn AP English. For awhile all I could think was "Red! Red! Recurring Motif!" It's been almost half a year since I took that class and the instructor is still in my brain! Anyway, enough about that. I obviously enjoyed that there was a recurring motif. But on that topic, why don't you change the title to something else and let the motif speak for itself? I know that, as a writer, you want to give your audience everything. The audience is like your child and you want to impart on them everything you know. But just like with a child, sometimes it's better to just let the audience find it out on their own. It's much more exciting that way! Sure, some people won't get it, but it's better to be nine people's favorite thing than a hundred people's ninth favorite thing, right?
I sure hope all of that made sense.
Anyway, moving on from the motif...
I absolutely loved the imagery. Some lines that really stood out were: "the gaping wound beneath it bubbled, growing new skin to replace the cells scraped off her thighs by a curse aimed at her stomach." Ghastly, but lovely.
Also, I saw in an earlier review, you were a bit iffy about the "I'm sorry, Rose, so, so sorry" line, but I loved that it was so short and simple. Another note about the audience: we're usually a lot smarter than authors make us out to be. Not every emotion needs to be handed to us on a silver platter. So, that line was perfect. Don't you dare go changing it. My first idea was to shorten it and not even say the "I doubt she even heard me" but now I'm not sure. It's definitely something to consider though.
Ugh, damn Lucius! He makes me so angry, lol. Another thing I would think about is Draco. What part does he have in this? I mean, I don't think he was ever as evil as his father, but he always seemed to go along with everything he said. So just think about his reaction to everything that's going on. Does he even know what's going on? Maybe Scorpius is hoping he'll come through the door and tell Lucius to bugger off? Just some stuff to think about, because for me, that was the only thing missing.
Other than that, absolutely fantastic work. Keep writing and good luck with the contest!
If you need any other work reviewed, send it my way. Absolutely love your style.
Author's Response: Wow, that is an amazing review!
I haven't heard the child comparison, I've heard the brain/sponge theory, but that's a new one. I agree with you on the favourites thing; I prefer hearing one person tell me they love it to a few tell me it's good.
Hmmn, if you say the line's okay... If you're sure...
Draco? Slipped my mind. Involved in sexy blonde business?
Thanks for the offer, I have a new contest going through the mill so I might drop you that...