Rose_Weasley123 here with your requested review! Iím so, so, SO sorry for the lateness. Life got a little hectic for me, and Iíve only just got it back on track. Anyway, Iím here now, and thatís what counts ;). BTW, a little off topic, thank you for your lovely review for one of my stories! I canít describe how happy it made me. Anyway, back to the serious reviewing. Iíll start off with the things you asked for.
Grammar, Spelling ect: I noticed a couple of run on sentences here, but really nothing major. The one thing I did notice was a little overuse of sentences starting with Ďsheí. I know itís hard, especially when there are only one or two characters you are talking about, but try playing with sentences so that the Ďsheí comes in the middle instead. Alternatively, try using something like Ďthe girlí. Iím sure you can think of better ways, but the use of Ďsheí too much does jar a little.
Style and fluency: I for one love the power a short one shot can hold (see most of mine, itís only recently Iíve been able to bring myself to over 1000 words :P), and I think you made great use of the length. Hardly a word was wasted, and I felt like you told a full story. I really liked the infusion of memories with the prose, and it was done much more subtly than an announced flashback. It flowed really smoothly too, which was surprising, given the jumping around in time. The one thing I could suggest is a little more description. Maybe itís just because Iím a description freak, but I think it would make it even better if you just gave a little description of her surroundings. Although really, itís good as it is. I also love the slightly dreamy, yet grounded style you have here. Perhaps one little bit of criticism is that the style, very occasionally, seemed to shift slightly into something more ethereal, which didnít quite suit it. However, I think thatís purely down to sentence structure.
Characterisation: I must admit that Cho has never been one of my favourite characters. Yet here, she is actually quite sympathetic. You are very good at manipulating emotions, and I could certainly imagine her love for Cedric being real. It felt very pure, somehow, and I could empathize with her pain at his death. I love the subtle clues you added to her personality, such as her (what seems like) twisted relationship with her father, and the mysterious stranger. Those details were not necessarily needed, but they made Cho a much deeper character. I also loved the links to Heathcliffe, with the love turning into hate. Cho certainly felt like a real person.
As for making sense, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. It made perfect sense. I especially loved the last line. It really showed Choís devotion to him, even as a memory. In some ways it was a very simple storyline, but it felt a lot deeper in some ways. Please kick me if Iím not making sense. I guess what Iím trying to say is that you told a lot in such a little, and every facet of it made sense.
Okay, I guess this review is quite nonsensical, and Iím sorry. Still, I hope I helped. But, bottom line, I really liked this story, and I hope Iíll see you back for more. :D.
Author's Response: That's quite alright! I'm fine with any reviews, late, requested, or not ;D And you're very welcome. I feel like this whole review will seem like just a giant big thank you, so let me just start off by saying it straight away: THANK YOU.
Haha, yes, I do have a bit of trouble with that, and thank you for pointing it out. I always find the whole 'the girl' thing so...redundant, but I suppose consistently using she is even more so. I'll try to mess around with that and see what I can fix, thanks.
Me too! One-shots can be so amazing, and I have a hard time extending my writing to be multi-chaptered as well. I'm glad I'm not the only one ;) I'm really glad you suggested description actually; I felt a bit like it was hard to imagine where Cho was and what exactly was going on, but I couldn't quite find a spot to insert description. I will definitely look into this, though.
Yes, Cho isn't really a favorite of mine either, which, I suppose, is why I wrote this in the first place. In real life, I can't stand to not like someone - I always strive to justify their actions, even when I really shouldn't be. Some people might say that I look too deep into Cho's character, that she's much more shallow, but I'm glad you appreciated this. I think everyone is deeper than we realize, that people are inherently so blinded by their preconceived perceptions that they often don't see that there's more than that.
Thank you! I think you made a lot of sense, and I'm glad you thought I did too. It did help a lot, actually, and I'm really glad that you actually critiqued me. Sometimes reviewers just seem to sugarcoat everything, and I have a sweet tooth just like everyone else, but a lot of the time I'd like the bitter truth in there as well.
Thank you so much! Hopefully this review response did your wonderful review justice (: