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Review:Laugharama_llama says:
Hello! I'm here with your review form the forums!

I thought you did a great job with this! It was very detailed and sweet! You described the setting and each scenes and Dom's emotion's very well! I loved that Lily portion! Hahaha, I have three older brothers - I know how she feels..

This critcism is a personal issue, so you don't necessarily have to take this into account. I didn't really like how Lysander kissed Dom. I feel like the whole "girl gets upset/nervous and starts to babble, then the boy interrupts/stops her with a kis" is a little cliche. From your description of their relationship and Lysander, I would have expected him to do it in a shy sort of way. For example, say they were talking about how they never see each other anymore or something serious and then he softly kisses her. Because I feel like he was unsure about his feelings for her, so the kiss should have been unsure too (because he initiated it).

The other part that bothered me was when Lysander is answering the question about why he left. I feel like the dialogue was a little bit too speech-like and uninterrupted. In that little spiel, you didn't include any of Dom's emotions until he was done. I feel like those are important in long spiels because it breaks it up and makes it feel less like one huge thing.

Other than that, I think the story was fantastic! I'm sorry if it feels like this was a lot of criticism, but I honestly did like it. 9/10!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, first of all :)
So after re-reading the kiss at the beginning, I discovered that you're absolutely right - it's a bit cliche. I think I will probably revise that particular part in the future, so thanks for commenting on it.
And yes - Lysander did sort of 'make a speech', didn't he? I've always hated that about my writing, how I can't seem to make dialogue less 'speech-like'. But I promsie to revise that part, as well, in the near future.
Thanks so much for pointing both of those things out. You really opened my eyes!
Thanks again,
~EnnaBellaPotter


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