Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review: Whimsical Diva says:
First things first, the typos. Very minor ones, actually.

1) he was not quite awake yet, but after splashing some water on his face, his eyes widened, realizing what the day was.

The 'h' should be capitalised.

2.1) "Mom, Dad, this is Cho Chang, my girlfriend," he said nervously.

2.2) "Mom, Dad, I'm so glad you're both here," Cedric said, smiling at Viktor Krum as he entered the room.

Mom=American. Mum=British. :)

3) "Good morning, Son," Amos Diggory said, smiling.

Not so much a typo/grammatical error as a minor technical flaw. See, you can't speak when you smile. Thus smile should NEVER figure in the dialogue tag. A bit of dialogue such as: 'Well done,' Harry smiled is wrong. Grin would be the right verb.

Those were the only three I spotted, and it was such a pleasant surprise to see your dialogue adhering to the correct syntax. Whenever I read random stories, I nearly always see dialogue punctuated the wrong way, so it was quite heartening to see it done right. :)

The linear, if simplistic, narrative style worked well in parts, though at times I couldn't help but feel that the narrative was wanting in emotional heft. Not melodrama - that's horror - but the story as a whole was a bit bland for my liking. Almost like a filler chapter where nothing much happens. Whilst reading about these details from Cedric's perspective was rather refreshing, there was nothing really new about it. The length could have been one of the factors;there's really not much one can do in the space of 1K words plot wise - which is one of the reasons why I personally believe these relatively short one-shots aren't very effective for plot/character centric stories. Like for instance the reader would've got a more detailed insight into Cedric's mind had the introductory paragraphs been more protracted, but the actons shifts so hastily to the next event that I felt as though these events were breezing past me one after the other leaving me no time to, as it were, plunge into it.

Another thing is that you've included a lot of quotidian details, which per se cannot be pigeonholed as banal, but I felt that these details monopolised the major portion of the narrative without adding much to it. Instead of which you could have included certain other details which would've given us a slightly more intimate insight into the dynamics. His interaction with his father, which I felt was slightly generic, could have been lent a more colourful flavour had we had a taste of their quirks or their individualities - I especially liked the part where Amos tells Cedric he can beat Harry again; that harked back to GoF and it was quite inspired - or had they - and thereby the reader - indulged in a bit of nostalgia that'd have seemed poignant in the light of what happened merely hours later. Something - anything - that would've leavened the stark indifference of the reader.

- Renee

Author's Response: Thank you so much for you review! I apologize for taking so long to respond, but I have been sick for the last week!

I am very grateful that you took the time to leave such a long review, and I definitely understand many of your points. Thank you for pointing out the grammatical errors; I had posted this without it being beta'd, although I have received it back from the beta and will be posting the revised version soon.

I agree that it definitely could have used some more emotion. I had a hard time writing this, and felt like I was just going through the motions to finish it for the challenge, instead of giving it my best attention. One thing on my to-do list is to go back and re-edit/re-work this as I have time, and all of your comments will definitely factor in there!

Thank you so much,
LJ :)

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 715
Submit Report: