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Review:MercyWaters says:
Hi, It's Mercy from the forums. I'm reviewing as requested :)

I have to say, I rather enjoyed that. It had a nice flow to it, and the emotions that the characters were feeling were very strong and obvious. I really, really liked all of the exchanges between Sirius and Regulus. I could really feel the struggle that both of them were going through... You portrayed the Black brothers very well :)

Another thing I liked is McGonagall in the sorting scene. Even though she had very few lines, I felt you stayed very close to her actual character. It was very realistic, which I know can be very hard to do.

There are a couple lines I'd like to applaud you on ^^ I really like the closing line of the scene where Sirius gets into a fight with their mother for attacking Regulus. It really brought the mood across... Another one I really liked was the thing Sirius said about wondering what happened to his baby brother. But I'd have to say my all-time favorite line of the story was when Sirius says "It does, Reg, but unfortunately I lack a brother to have that with." That line was positively brilliant!

Hmm... what next... Oh! Just a little side note, you've got a bit of a typo in the very first paragraph of the first flashback. I think it's supposed to be horrified, you're just missing the 'h' ^^

A few sentences in the story sounded a bit awkward. First is the very last line of the first paragraph. It sound a bit repetitive to say 'my life' like that twice in a row. Also the last sentence in the third paragraph threw me off a bit. It might just be worded weird, but I had to reread it and the paragraph over again to really get what you were trying to say...

Another part that I thought sounded not right was the part during Regulus's sorting where the hat tells him about his brother being nervous as well. The paragraph where Regulus finds his brother in the crowd sounds a little awkward. Maybe just tweak a sentence here or there...

This next ones probably just a little pet peeve of mine, but whatever :) At the part where Regulus is back in the present and starting to suffocate, I really think you should perhaps italicize the word had in 'I had to breathe.' Otherwise it just sounds flat and dull, and very repetitive since the sentence before it states the exact same thing, just in a different way. Another pet peeve would also have to be the use of swears in the story. I don't see anything wrong with a swear here and there, but it's just the kinds of swears that are used. You didn't really hear swears like 'shit' and 'fucking' used at all in the books, so I think if you want to make the story as realistic and true to its origin as possible, you should change those more 'muggle' swears to ones that could be found in the books. They just seemed to stick out like a sore thumb.

As for what you wanted specifically looked at... Let's see... I think you wrote very well in a male POV, actually :) It really flowed well overall, and the style was good. An accomplishment, definitely. It also was very easy to understand.

All in all, this was a wonderful piece, and a lovely little insight to a scene not described in the actual series. Regulus gets really next to no spotlight in the series, so it's good to see some fanfic about him!



Author's Response: Thanks! You were so helpful! I've resubmitted the story at 15+, replacing the swear words and tweaked a few of the lines. I'm glad you thought it was good. Thanks again for reviewing!

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