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Review:harrylilyjames says:
Hey!

Your summary kind of confused me, probably just me being slow- but when you said 'she' near the end, I didn't know who it was talking about. Just my input, you don't have to change it if you don't want to. =]

A little tip, when you say "when he's worried and all." it sounds very teenage-ish and unprofessional. I know it's in the mind of a teenager, but it just isn't something you would read. If that makes any sense.

When mouthing words to one another, people tend to keep the sentences short and to the point, because it's very hard to lip-read, so when Teddy turned and mouthed, “You alright over there?”, more than likely he would have just said “Are you alright?” so it's to the point and not hard to read.

I think you meant Quaffle in some parts where you said 'Bludger' as Bludgers can't be thrown, Bludgers zoom off and can only be controlled by hitting them with the bat. [this was when you said Molly threw the Bludger at her].

When James is flying towards her, you said as quick as a 'cheeta'- there's nothing wrong with this, I'm not telling you off. But just something to think about is that, seeing as the story is in the 'magical' world, use a 'magical' creature.

A Bludger would do more damage that just 'hit off her arm'- more like shatter her collar bone or dislocate her joints.

How's there a bush of thorns on the Quidditch Pitch? Sorry, I'm just curious as I always picture the pitch with having no shrubs or plants anywhere.

It seemed to be a bit rushed at the end part, like everything happened very quickly when they got to the hospital wing.

I don't have anything else to say, other than I actually really liked this. I never read next-gen fics ever and if I do they are all based on the Potter kids...It was a nice change. =] I really think you did a lovely job with it.

Author's Response: Hey!

I had a feeling that the summary was a bit confusing but I have no plans to change it whatsoever. I'll also keep the teenager thing in mind, though I like it.

Now that I think of it, mouthing long words to others is a bit hard. I'll be sure to change that into a shorter version. The Quaffle-Bludger confusion was on purpose but I guess I got confused while making it look confusing, I guess.

It also never crossed my mind to use a magical creature for the cheetah thing or make Dom's injury far worse.

I also felt that the end was sort of rushed so I'll be sure to change that when I have the time. I'm glad you like this story, anyway. I tend to read Potter kids Next Gens too so this pairing was a change for me as well.

Thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :)


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