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Review:harrylilyjames says:
Hey!

The first chapter was lovely, it really built the story up. But there was a lot of repetition, I felt like you were repeating the same things all over again and I got a bit bored near the middle. This could be just me.

The last part was really well done, I feel sorry poor Alanna, she seems like she's trapped because of her own stupid heart...=(

I noticed that in the second chapter you use the word 'malice' a lot when describing her feelings, try and put something else in it's place, also you use the phrase “rattled about the large room loudly like beans in a shoebox.” twice when describing the room, I don't know if this was on purpose or not.

I like the second chapter better than the first, it seems to flow more easily and there's more dialogue in this one.

I actually feel terrible for poor Alanna, being stuck with him and wanting things that she can't get. She was a bit stupid to leave school for him, I know loved-up girls do it, but at least she would of had a education then and be able to go for a decent job. Silly girl.

Author's Response: Hey, sorry for the late response - my laptop's been giving me problems lately and I just got to check HPFF today. Yes, Alanna is trapped by her own heart/head/issues. We've all been there, but this runs a bit deeper. Their backstory is a bit confusing, and their relationship is such a strange one, so the repetition is to make it as clear as possible. If it's boring, though, I'll have to fix that. :(

Yeah, the repetition of the phrase was on purpose. Malice wasn't, though, so I'll take a look at that. The first chapter was originally a prologue, so that's why it there was more narration (aka boring stuff). I agree about school - that was an important thing in showing Alanna's situation and how much she depends on Rab. Thanks so much for the long review!


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