Of course I had to read this story now that I've been reading "Bodies at Rest." I can't remember the date on this, and I'm too lazy too look, so I don't know how long ago it was written. However, I believe that "Bodies at Rest" is better written than this story. Though this one-shot was rather long, it still feels like you tried to cram a lot of information into it. Some scenes I felt weren't sufficiently developed; you described a lot of action in one or two paragraphs to move the story along. If some of that could have been condensed or if it had been further developed to make this story 2-3 chapters, I think the flow would have been better.
Now while I'm being negative, I have to ask. Harry has a Blackberry? O_o And a laptop? Well, if you must. I thought it was overkill on the Muggle technology, though. (Then again, I rarely like to see it; it drives me bonkers when Draco drives a convertible and owns a giant flatscreen TV on which he plays Halo and MarioKart, etc. No, I am not making this up, unfortunately.) I have to say that Harry's ridiculous attempts at humor grated on my nerves in this chapter too.
There were some things I did like in this story, though. For one, you invented all sorts of likely magical spells and prodecures. I think it's so neat when HP fanfic writers do that, especially when it seems so natural and well thought out (no "magico makeup" spells for me) as it did here. It's just like an extension of JKR's work.
I also liked that Fred got to make an appearance. I'll admit the horror house scene did gross me out - that is definitely not my "thing." However, you had Fred so in character! The way he winked and indicated for Harry to do something mischeivous (though vital to everyone's safety) was great. And, naturally, I was moved by the messages Fred relayed, although the Lavender one was purely funny. Actually, of all the sentences in this story, I think the one that moved me most was when George said he wanted a funny zombie.
One thing I'm a little confused about: Am I making this up, or do I remember reading somewhere, probably ch 1, in "Bodies at Rest" that George does not create Inferi? That the bodies he raises are something different? Haha, I really should just go back and look myself. Also, you describe George's weight in BaT with Harry observing he's become even heavier, yet here, he's not even described as pudgy. Or if he is, I've totally missed it; my bad. Sorry about all this nit-picking!
Author's Response: BTW, I don't mind the negatives, I take them in the spirit of the CC that you intend.
Yes, this story was written about 2 years ago. It was the second fic I had written after 18-20 years of not writing. I had never really written fiction, so this was something new to me. If I were writing this now, it would be longer, better written (I believe), and the technology would be toned down a lot; only the gun would remain.
I'm glad you think that 'Bodies at Rest' is written better. I learned a lot from my hidden story about characterization and description (esp. emotional description). I credit my two betas, reallyginny (who is a wonderful author) and Bella_Portia (who is likewise a wonderful author).
I can totally see what you mean about cramming in a lot of info. I meant it to be a 'day in the life' of Harry and I wanted it to be fast paced, but perhaps it was too fast paced.
Looking back at this, it needs a makeover, but I'm loathe to do it because of one of my philosophies. I believe in editing usually just for typos, factual errors and grammatical mistakes; letting the story stay as it was written to show my development. I've changed my stance a bit on that as I work on my first fic's re-write (it's hidden now). Now I believe a story can always use a polishing type edit.
It's funny the things you can forget or change. In my mind's eye, George Krupp was always a fat little boy, but you're correct that I don't really state that in 'Graverobbers'. That will definitely need to be edited in. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm really glad you like my spells and procedures, I actually put a lot of thought into those and now I have a classic language expert as a beta (Bella_Portia), so expect some new things as we go.
Fred's appearance was vital and the reason that my OC was named George. It gives it a round feeling.
It's correct that these are most definitely not Inferi, who are mere puppets. These are Animortes, zombies with personality, as much personality as a magical portrait. Harry at this point doesn't know what they are, so he calls them Inferi, even though he knows they aren't exactly that. He has no frame of reference for them.
Thank you so very much for the CC and I will go back after the queue re-opens and add the description of George's weight and perhaps do a substantial revision of the story.
I never mind nit-picking. Merci beaucoup.