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Review:Pookha says:
I love the opening three paragraphs of this. They set a beautiful, slightly out-of-focus mood that gives the reader a sense of a lazy day. The present tense adds to this. Present tense can be very tricky to use well, and I applaud you for both your guts in attempting it and the way you pulled it off.

There are a couple of small errors. When she 'shutters,' it should be 'shudders.' 'Bedizened' should probably be 'blazoned' or 'emblazoned.' Êtes-vous française? Is English a second language for you? If so, you write it very well.

I love the flow of the story and it unfolds at a very natural pace. Gabrielle is very likeable here and she treats Colin with great dignity and respect. Colin seems very in character for a boy of 13 who's run into something that scared him or disturbed him.

I'm very curious to see where this is going.

I really like that she gives the firefly to Colin even though it means a lot to her. There's one small problem in that there aren't fireflies in Scotland where Hogwarts is. This can be gotten around a bit by saying that Hogwarts and the forest are magical, but I thought you'd want to know about that.

A truly beautiful and moving start to the story. I'm honoured to have read it.

Author's Response: You're too kind. The first three paragraphs were suppose to show that kind of lazy, seemingly romantic, if you will, mood. A mood where she lays waiting and waiting.

Did I write shutter? Like window shutters? I'm so very silly! Thank you very much for pointing it out! Hmm Bedizend vs Blazoned... "Decorated with" vs "sewn with" right? Hmmm I guess (em)blazoned would be more appropriate, (but how I love the word bedizen.) I think I'll change that too!

Oh no! Je ne suis pas francais! Je susi americain! Mais j'ai suivi une classe de francais depuis 6 ans! I still have to change some of what I've written to make it more fluent! The French are very, well, demanding when it comes to grammar.

A natural pace, hmm? I didn't think of it that way. I feel rather complimented. Oh, by the way, this takes place Post-Hogwarts where Colin would be 16. Emphasis on "would be".

I'm glad you found it moving thus far and would be equally honoured if you would review the next chapter whenever it is up!
-Axjion


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