Hello dear! It is I, ohcrapidroppedmybrain from the forums, here to reveiw you, AntigoneBlack, on your story, "Sickness"
First off, when I read your summary, I became a little apprehensive because this was the first Harry/Parvati story I read and I didn't know how it was going to turn out. I'm glad I read it! Your plot is very unique and I would never expect something like this! Great job!
The first chapter was good, and it drew me in, but it seemed a little choppy. The jump from the description of the clock to Harry's thoughts was a little startling and hard to follow. It made the story seem a little superficial.
You did good by not introducing Parvati right away and waiting until he realized he wasn't where he was supposed to be. It was very Harry-like for him to jump up when he realized where he was. Poor guy is still paranoid about Voldemort=]].
Great description on how the potion tastes and I was laughing when Parvati was like, "you don't want to know what's in that". Kudos.
When you were building a background for the plot and mentioned that Ron and Hermione rushed to get eloped, I was a little surprised because I thought that they would take it slow, but I guess they didn't! Thanks for making it a little different than everyone else's opinion (including mine) and switching it up.
I hate criticism, I really do because I feel like such a hypocrite, but I have to =[[ Although it had a unique plot, I felt like it could've used a little more description (for instance, what did Parvati's guest room look like? What color were the walls?). You should also let your characters tell the story. (EXAMPLE: Here's what you said: "Thanks. You really didn't have to do that for me. I've never shown you any kindness and yet your taking care of me. Thank you, I don't know how to repay you," Harry was shocked by the care she was showing towards him. Going through his memories he remembered back to his fourth year of school, when he took her to the Yule Ball and then ignored her the entire night. After that night there really wasn't any reason for her to be so kind.
It seemed as though you TOLD me what he was feeling instead of showing me. Perhaps you can make him speechless with gratitude? "But Harry was lost for words," or something like that. I really hope I helped =]])
As you might know, I am a Harry/Ginny shipper, but when I was reading it and realized that Ginny actually ERASED Harry's memory, I was all like, "What a jerkwhore!" (she was only human for erasing Harry's memory, but really? Cheating on him? What a boar!)
And finally, we are at the end of my long review. I felt the end was a bit rushed (three paragraphs between Harry finding out Ginny cheated on him with Malfoy and then realizing his new-found love for Parvati was very quick) and the last paragraph wasn't that captivating. Again, add more detail, and you can not fail.
All in all, it was very interesting but needs a little work. Also, make sure you are using good grammar (yours wasn't that bad, but I noticed you spelled MUNGO'S, Mungos. It's possesive, since it was St. Mungo's hospital.
7/10. If you ever update it, let me know=]]
P.S, great title. I see how it can have multiple meanings with Harry being sick with amnesia and him being sick with finding out what Ginny did to him.
Author's Response: Yeah, I have already done a revamp. I rushed a little with this one, so I already changed that dialogue and made a couple other changes. As for the rushed ending, I wanted that. I wanted Harry to rush in without thinking. But I hope that I can rewrite this so that seems more apparent.
I am so glad that you reviewed this! I found your criticism very helpful and I know you didn't mean to be mean with it.