Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:timeturner says:
First, let me say, wonderfully creative plot you have here. I definetly think it's worth taking some time to "clean it up" (to use your words) as it's a unique engaging portrait of a particularly difficult time for the characters.

Your description are good here, a bit haunting and harsh at the same time. Which, of course, fits perfectly with the events of the story. I do see more definitive descriptions in your later writings...where you have tightened up the descriptions to make them more specific to a character rather than the broad overview type of description you have here. I think that both are needed and work here, you just perhaps should balance them a little as you have in your later works.

Since the descriptions and plot are already so well done, the one suggestion I can offer is to perhaps work on the flow of the story itself. Since you've chosen to talk about many characters, rather than just one, and the lack of dialogue (which works fine but is sometimes difficult for the average reader) making sure that the piece flows from one "scene" to the next is critical. There are a couple of ways you could do this. One would be to focus on a single character and have them seeing these things around them. For example, take your favorite character and have them sitting on the bench and acting as narrator as they see each of the other characters in the village. You would lose some of the internal monologue directly but could easily have your narrative character guess as to what each of the other characters is thinking.

You could also ue an inaminate object and have each character come across it. This seems strange in a review but when you think about it, it works very well as a transition in a story. For example, perhaps a falling leaf that gets caught on the summer wind you mention at the beginning. A the leaf travels around the village, it can be seen by each character. When seen, it calls forth the internal monologues that you have written for each character.

Yep and I'm rambling again. Gosh, you are going to hate me soon! As I said, this is a really fabulous idea you have here and I think thi is definetly something worth taking your time with. It could easily be a classic piece of writing if you take the time to nurture it. Well done!

Author's Response: Hello!! Sorry it took me awhile to respond. Life's been unexpectantly busy around here.

It is wonderful to know that my infant peice of writing is worth cleaning up. :) I always loved the idea of the memorial service and wanted to portray as many affected characters as possible. It is wonderful that you drew connections between this and my later works and really helpful.

When I initially wrote this, I didn't realize that the transitions were rather poor. Since then, I've realized that they are a bit jumpy. I love the idea of a narrator watching this all. I could definitely work with that. :)

Rambling is always a-okay when it's helpful. I don't think I'll ever hate you... As soon as I get a chance (once my novel chapter makes it through the queue), I'll be doing some much needed nurturing.

Thanks so much!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 751
Submit Report: