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Review:Jemione says:
Oh dear, major cliche alert :D This whole describing clothes in detail is bad. Three paragraphs that revolve around what Hermione is wearing is too much, and it's a mistake that a lot of writers do if they haven't written that much before. I used to do the same when I was your age. :)

The trick is to show instead of over-describing. If you really have to use description, do it more shortly. With the strapless bra incident you could just say that "My dad once walked in on me and thought that I wasn't wearing a bra even though I was." And then go on to the "now I know what to expect" part.

With the clothes there's also another problem... Canon-Hermione is not the kind of girl that cares about the outfit she's wearing when she sees her friends after the summer. Another cliche: the make-over that suddenly turns Hermione into a curvy goddess. Everyone loves a Cinderella story, but it's just not that realistic and it gets old really fast.

I hope you don't mind the criticism. This is just basics if you want to become a better writer. You can check out the HPFF forums, there are thread about cliches - make-overs and clothes description are there, so I'm not making it up!

Author's Response: OK, uh, you're the first person to point those out or really not like this chapter... um, thanks though. i'll check out all of that. thanks!

JR Nite Dragon


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