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Review:timeturner says:
Interesting writing style and you've pulled it off well. The dialogue is humorous and yet not over the top. The characters are believable and you flow from one scene to the next very fluidly. I think your strongest points in this chapter are the internal monologue sections and you seem a bit unsure of yourself when you move in to the dialogue sections.

As a suggestion - to help yourself feel more comfortable with the dialogue, you could blend your excellent internal monologue with the dialogue. Rather than forcing Louis to immediately answer back to those around him, for example, you can have his mind wander around a bit with his thoughts before responding. It would help the reader get more insight into your character as well as playing to your writing strong suits for this particular character.

As I said, I think is a unique writing style that you've managed to do wonderfully. It will likely be difficult to pull in readers at first due to the style but once you have managed to hook them, I'm sure you'll find many lining up to continue reading Louis' adventures. Your characters are original, the movement fluid and the internal monologues fabulous so you should have no trouble keeping readers interested in a longer version :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I think any fluidity and humour that managed to get through is a by-product of my writing style. No planning, just writing and writing. That sounds about right to me, there were a couple of characters in particular where I just wasn't quite sure what they would say.

That's a fantastic piece of advice, thank you! =] Will definitely start adapting that into future writings. Seems very obvious now you've mentioned it.

As for the longer version that's coming - I've actually toned the style down quite a lot. It was fairly extreme in this, so I've standardised it while trying to keep the same sort of feel. And yay for original characters! With so much being written that's not always the easiest thing to achieve.

Thank you so much for reviewing, the advice was fantastic and definitely something I can work with.


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