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Review:	taylorj828 says: taylorj828 here for your review! This was really marvelous, and I would never know you were writing slash for the first time! Well done! So what I've done is mark everything that stood out, and it'll go in sequential order. "What am I doing?" This line stands out in the non-italicized section, because in the rest of the story, Cedric doesn't refer to himself as "I." It seems natural in the italicized part, because he is remembering and thinking. When writing in third person, though, the only time "I" is used is when we delve directly into their thoughts. You could change it to, "What is he doing?" and we will know Cedric is referring to himself. It's just something I noticed right away. Not a big deal, just a picky little minor detail-y thing. :oP He would have to help prove his point. Which point? In context we conclude that he means the straight/gay point, but the 'help' throws me off, because we haven't necessarily put together yet what he's started proving. It would be a meaningful line even without the word 'help,' but it's just one person's thoughts, mind you. (o: Her touch is gentle but he cannot bear it. But he must. Two buts don't make it right. Har, har. :oP It flows better not to repeat words close together, like with 'but.' It would carry equal impact to remove the second 'But," or you could substitute it with something like, "However." His roommates had agreed to leave him alone for the night, and now Cedric is almost regretting it. Oh, Cedric! Poor lad! There, there! Straddling her, he is scared to hurt her. There is no stability beneath him, no strength. He felt like he was going to hurt her. But he knows this is what she wants and what he should want. All of your other lines are in the present tense, but 'felt' is in the past. It's best not to switch tenses. "He feels like he is going to hurt her." So he forces himself to put his right hand up her shirt, as gently as he could while still feigning emotion, and his left hand cradled her back, arched in his grip. Again, an issue with present/past tenses. "...as gently as he can, while still feigning emotion, and his left cradles her back, arched in his grip." He puills up her shirt, wondering if she will stop him. She doesn’t; she helps him. Typo with 'pulls.' Also, I love the last line, two short bits, creating emphasis. Great job! he has no choice but to consume her toxic scent Wow, that makes her sound really foul! What about telling us more about the toxic smell? Is it also flowery, sickeningly sweet, too much vanilla? Definitely keep the word toxic, it's not my complaint. Just, if you wanted, you could add another descriptor to show what's so toxic about it. Her softness is nearly irresistible but something in him rejects it. But she does not mind; she wants him. Two buts again. What about: 'She does not appear to mind; she wants him.' ? “You all right?” said the voice. No need for past tense. 'says the voice.' “Are you okay?” she says. You all right? Same question, completely different circumstances. The answer is not the same. Not even close. Then, he was sure of himself. He was ready to succumb to the pressure, willing even. But now? No. He can’t do this. This is not who he is. LOVE this! Love the two questions, back to back. Great work here! Cedric tore himself away from her body, removed her hand from his thigh. He sat up, propping himself on his elbow. She lay below him, looking confused. He looked at her and saw the lost look in her eyes, the fear. It broke his heart to have to end it this way, but there is no other way in which he could live with himself. But then right afterward, you switch to past tense! From this point on in the story, you sort of jump back and forth at different times, so I would watch your tenses and keep it streamlined. Suddenly he longs to cover his bare chest. I love this detail...! It's one of those small things that really brings a character or scene to life! “You go ahead and take all the time you want. I’m sure it will be worth the wait,” she says, gathering her shirt and snatching it into her grip, as well as picking up her comb from the bedside table, “for someone else.” Oh dear! I love what the girl says, totally clever of you! But I don't think it has the impact that it should because of how it's broken up with the details. I like the details, but it detracts from the impact of the last three words she says. It might just be my feeling, but I think rearranging it would bring more impact. Like: "You go ahead and take all the time you want. I’m sure it will be worth the wait,” she says, “for someone else.” She gathers her shirt and snatches it into her grip, picking up her comb from the bedside table as well. Just my thoughts, though. (o: ...leaving him alone in his bed with the curtains closed unnecessarily; the reason has just walked out. Another great line! Enjoyed this! So when you started describing Ken, I began wondering what House he was in, because for some reason I wasn't thinking Slytherin. Anyway, I love that it's a Hufflepuff and Slytherin. That's just too awesome! The thought of telling everyone that he, the Triwizard Champion, top of his class, is homosexual, rocks him. I think you need a comma to help the readers with this sentence. I bolded the comma where it would be helpful to have one, after homosexual. [...to be continued in PM. Sorry, but I hit the character limit and there are a couple more paragraphs. Anyway, check your PM box for the rest, please!] Author's Response: Okay, I've decided to try and tackle this awesome review. First of all, thank you so much. This is exactly the kind of critique I was looking for. =) That first-person bit just sort of popped out of me. I should have edited it out because it would make more sense without it, so thank you for pointing that out. Prove his point - I meant the point that nothing was wrong. I should have explained that better, but when I was writing this, I knew what I was talking about and I was so into it that I wasn't considering the reader. I need to edit better. That's an interesting point you make about too many 'but's. I'll definitely have to keep that in mind. Thank you! Oh, the tenses. Can you tell I'm not used to writing in present tense? XD Thanks for pointing those out. I'm so glad you noticed those little lines. Those are my favorites too, and it's so good to know that my work is not overlooked. =) Thank you so much for this critical review. I really needed it, and I appreciate it. =)
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