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Review:TwilightPrincess says:
Annyeong haseyo! Ilia here to fill your request =)

Let's start from the beginning. It was a gloomy night. Cliche alert! This isn't really any different from "It was a dark and stormy night." Cliched lines should generally be avoided because they make your writing seem very tacky and uninspired.

I'm sorry that I have to start off with such criticism, but I must tell you that stories that describe the weather for paragraphs don't do anything for me. I don't understand the purpose of it - to set the mood? That can be done in a sentence or two. The weather itself is boring enough - that's why people use it for small talk. The point I'm trying to make is don't use two or three paragraphs to say something that can be said in a sentence or two. If you keep everything concise, you can get a lot more accomplished.

And when you're talking about a thunderstorm, it should be 'lightning' instead of 'lightening.'

I really like how you summed up a lot of James and Lily's relationship in a few paragraphs - you covered a lot of years there and got us as readers up to speed in a very efficient way. You told us everything we needed to know without getting too far into detail, so that was great. Just watch how many times you repeat yourself - going back to what I said earlier. Keep things precise so you don't confuse anyone or sound like you're babbling. For example, you said at least three different versions of 'this time was different' in that section, and I was saying to myself, "Okay, I got it. It's different." Once you make a point, don't dwell on it. Move on.

The way you handled the next part was a little odd but I liked it. You told us the story in pieces and bits of what happened to make them fight and I think that was really clever. You did a little of that dwelling on a point thing, but it wasn't that bad. I liked that you kept all of it in the past. That was a nicely done scene.

He sat on the window seal too Windowsill.

Though melodramatic, I really liked the emotion you presented in this plot. There were a few times where I was rolling my eyes, but that's how drama is supposed to go. I can tell that you really thought about what these characters would be feeling and how they would interact with each other, so that's great. It's evident in your writing.

However, I think Lily snapped way too fast for something that was way too small. When he said, "We'll work through it," I figured that was going to be the end. That sounded like a happy ending to me. But she didn't like that? Why didn't she like that? Did he not think she was worth it anymore? To me, "We'll work through it," sounds like, "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you because you are worth it." Make sure you keep your ideas focused.

While I'm glad it ended happily, I'm not sure I was convinced. It was interesting to read, of course, but I wasn't glued to the page. You didn't have me hanging on your word. That could be a personal issue with me, though, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Overall, a nice piece. I like the way you incorporated the lyrics. Well done.

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, I'll take everything into consideration.

Oh God that window seal - window seel - window sill - windowsill - everyone is telling me it's spealt in different ways and my computer keeps telling me their wrong. I'm so confused on that word LOL :)

I'll make sure to re-read and change a few of the description here and there. The only reason I described the weather a lot is because I used it as symbolism for the character's feelings :)

Thanks for reviewing again, I really appreciate the help!
x


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