Annyeong haseyo ^_^ Ilia here.
Before I even begin reading this, I discourage you from choosing option C, deleting it from your author's page. If it weren't for experimental pieces, your writing would be dry and dead. It is this type of just-sit-down-and-write stories that add life to an author's repertoire.
I really like the opening bit in italics. I like the way it's written; it sounds very poetic. Though I have no idea how it will pertain to the story.
I actually really liked your opening, even though you did little more than explain and describe your main character. What made this different than the other stories that do that is you did it in a very distinct way. I knew right away that this is what you wanted to do because it was important to the story, not just for me to get to know the character before the plot happens. When I was reading it, I felt like I was transported to another world, a different time, where people sit around campfires and tell legends orally. You became a storyteller in this first bit, and that's why it read so easily.
I love the short, simple sentences you use. You put words together in a very interesting way, that makes for a thought-provoking read. For example: She had committed the ultimate act of foolishness when she was only sixteen years of age. This sentence, though simple, told me everything I needed to know. Thank you for not going overboard and explaining what you mean. I love when authors trust their audience. It builds a good relationship between the writer and the reader. This is another example: As she made her way to the bedroom that she shared, her eleven-year old sister Henrietta pushed past her, followed by the third sister, thirteen-year old Felicity. Bam. The whole family situation. Right there. Done. That's a very good idea.
Also here: When she found herself round with child, she knew that her life was over. This sentence is very politically incorrect and that's what I like about it. An author who is willing and ready to take risks deserves praise and recognition.
I find it very interesting that before Charlotte went to plead her case with Mr. Crane, she almost discarded her baby. It's little things like this that tell me you are indeed a brilliant writer who thinks about everything before making a keystroke.
There are so many interesting phrases here that if I took the time to rack them all up, this review box would explode. Just know that I notice every one of them, and your hard work is not going unnoticed.
Your comment about making your own characters go OOC hits me first here: "It was nothing, sir," she mumbled. I know what you were trying to do, but it read pretentious, which I can't see Charlotte being. But you immediately brought her back with this: "I know it is not an advanced potion and will not do much good in the long run-" Don't worry too much about your characters going OOC. If a character doesn't grow or change within a story, the character is flat.
I think this is a brilliant piece. I'm in awe. The story is wonderful in itself, but made better by your writing and the way you told it. I understand your concern about cramming a lot into a one-shot, but I disagree with you on this one. I think this came out beautifully and everything worked well. Remember when I said it felt like I was being told a story orally around a campfire? I think if you chopped this up into a short story, it would lose that feel. I don't think this story would be better off told in parts. Imagine that for a second, while I am. You're sitting around a campfire with all your friends, being told a brilliant story, and then right at the climax, the teller says, "Okay, I'm done for the night." While it would be easy to get readers to come back for later chapters, being rocked out of this atmosphere would do bad things for the effect on readers.
You went in-depth enough so that I knew what was going on and I understood them. I wanted to read about these people because you created them as full, well-rounded people right away. I think a writer should avoid going too far into a character because it doesn't give any room for the reader to have fun with their imagination. Again, you proved through your characters that you trust your readers to understand what is going on, without spoon-feeding us everything.
I wouldn't change a thing, except for the apostrophe in "sisters" in this sentence: My sister's do not have the desire that I do to learn.
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
Author's Response: I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to respond to this, but I wanted to make sure that I gave an adequate response. I wasn't ever planning to delete it- just to ignore it and pretend it never happened. This is definitely the most experimental (to steal your word) thing I've ever written, so I wasn't sure what to think about it at all.
Wonderful! That was the iea! It's also really difficult for me to pull myself out of the present day for writing, so I found that it helped me to write that semi-transitional paragraph. I'mit really glad that you appreciate my conciseness. I've never been someone who was able to drag things out, and that was always a big problem with my English teachers. I'm glad you found it helpful to the story!
Haha! I'm glad that you noticed Charlotte's big fault. She is rather selfish but in a innocently human way. She's very young, and she doesn't have the greatest maternal instinct, so she's thinks almost nothing of dumping her baby to pursue her dreams. She loves him, but he's a big burden.
I really can not thank you enough for this review! I was so afraid of how this was going to received. Normally, I'm just like, "Eh, whatever." But I actually did some research with this one, so I wanted it to be appreciated, y'know? Thank you for such a wonderful review, Ilia, really!