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Review:Jane_Volturi says:
Characterization: Ok, so there is quite a lot i want to say about your characters.
Lily: I couldn't quite make my mind up about wether or not Lily was in character. At times i felt she wasn't, and at other times i couldn't tell the difference between your version and JK Rowlings. I suppose i'm going to have to give evidence no that i've said it, so first all, lets start off with the positives. We'll start with her standing up for the Slytherin. That was exactly like Lily to do something like that. We could already tell she accepted Slytherins due to her relationship with Severys Snape so for her to stand up for him when she felt he wasn't in the worng was very in character of her. It proves how she was fair and just. Then it was her dislike for uncertainty, i think that was very in character as well, it's only an automatic response to want to know the truth straight out. Now i'll go for the disadvantages of her character. Well, to be more accurate, disadvantage, i could only find one lol. It was the way she responded to James in such a violent manner. From scenes in the pensieve in the fifth and seventh books i'd always gathered she was very caring, calm an innocent. Like for example, when Petunia called her a freak at King's Cross, she didn't get all violent then, she didn't even get angry, infact there are many scenes in the book that could back up my point on that one. I just think she wouldn't have gone as far as to curse James, i think that was a little too far to be honest.
James: He was pretty in character, though it did shock me a little the way he treated Lily, i wouldn't have expected that of him seeing as he cared for her so much, and to do it just for his prejudice views. It's just a little unrealistic hun.
The relationship between Lily and James: An excellent choice of song, it decribes perfectly the couple's feeling of love and hate towards each other, and you fitted it in so well, well done with that. I think their relationship was very beleivable on the whole, great job!

Plotline and Development:Ok, so i loved this plot, it was very neutral. I love the way you started it talking about the wether, it was though it symbolised the change of relationship between Lily and James. I liked the way it developed from Lily thinking about how sorry she was to her, making up with James, the part where they just held on tight to eachother at the end was so sweet, a brilliant plot development i think, even though there wasn't that much going on.
Mood: The mood of the story came across a Romantic, but also very emotional, i can't think of a word to describe it. it was also rathet dramatic, though in a light kind of way.

Grammar: Ok, so this is where i start to get picky, i've stumbled across a few mistakes whilst reading this, and i figured it would be helpful for me to list them and correct them so that you can edit this fic yourself. i've done it in order.
1. 'The sky was dark and dangerous, and people could even call it angry.'-There shouldn't be an 'and' after the comma.
2. 'The day had been promising, starting with a cloudless sky and bright warm sun shining proudly in the sky and heating the Hogwarts grounds to just the right temperature.'---Firstly '..cloudless sky and bright warm sun...' , there should be a 'the' before 'bright'. And also if you read over it you've mentione 'sky' twice in one sentance. This is because there is no pronoun for the second 'sky', it should be ''The day had been promising, starting with a cloudless sky, the bright warm sun shining proudly in it, heating the Hogwarts grounds to just the right temperature..'
3.'Those enraged bold lines that painted the sky for a few seconds every minute were the only source of light in the room; those thumps of lightening were the only thing that lit up the whole place and brought life to the seemingly dead room.'---You did the pronoun thing again with the word 'room'.
4.'as if tried to fight the storm in vain. The sadness is them was almost overwhelming'-'as if 'trying' to fight the storm in vain. The sadness 'in' them was almost overwhelming...'
They're just a few mistakes, but you've made similar ones all the way through it, i obviously cannot correct everything, it would take too long lol:)
Spelling: There are a lot of spelling mistakes hidden in there, so i'd just quickly read over them and edit them.
Punctuation: same, they can easily be edited though.
Paragraphing: This was brilliant.
Conclusion: Everything was great, just be sure to read over the disadvantages of your characters, and correct those spelling, punctuation and grammar mistakes. Other than that, magnificent story, beautifully written, well done!
Rating:10/10

Goodluck with it:)
Katiexxx

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, it really helped me a lot. I'll make sure to re-read the whole story and correct my mistakes. God know, I'm so bad at grammar :D

The only reason why I made Lily snappish is because she was so upset it affected her behaviour and way of thinking. What I wanted to show was that if they weren't in a relationship, it would have been normal for Lily to hex James but because of the argument they had it had all escalated into something much bigger just because they were going out.

Thanks so much for the help!
x


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