First of all, I thought the quotation was an excellent choice - although the payoff doesn't come until the very end of the chapter.
I think this chapter was just wonderfully imaginative and moved along beautifully. I noticed that you decided to stay away from the "torture" problem while still maintaining suspense. The question of what was going to happen to Draco while he was at Umbridge's mercy ran throught the entire chapter, and I thought it worked nicely for the reader.
Where you say, "although the Minister herself had ensured - by her methods of interrogation - that he would be out for the count for quite some time" -- what does that refer to? Did I forget something? Is that a reference to using veritaserum?
I also liked the humor. Some of the segments were hilarious. The bit in the first "subchapter" with Percy coping with that cellphone (and that ringtone) was pretty funny.
There were a couple of technical things I noticed, that I'll just mention as they come up in each "subchapter."
Did you intend the entire chapter to be in bold (it is easy to read that way), or is that an error?
"Percy had offered to take the supposed Invisibility Cloak with him to privately carry out some checks. The Muggle device, although slightly bewildering at first, was in fact less complex that he had anticipated." -- The juxtaposition between "invisibility cloak" and "muggle device" [i.e., cell phone] is a bit confusing.
Second sub-chapter -- Harry, Hermione and Snape
Exhibeo Striptorem - s/b exhibeo scriptorem.
This chapter reviews a lot of ground. It think it does it quite effectively in the dialogue between Hermione and Harry.
The materializing hair is eerie. One thing I'd kind of like is to know more about the spell involved. (Perhaps I should know from having read it earlier, but I forgot.) But does Revelio, in addition to causing the locks of hair to appear, summon Snape? It was unclear to me how that worked. Or whence he was summoned.
"'I will answer to the Supreme Being when my time comes, not to you, Potter.'" -- interesting that you make Snape a non-atheist.
I thought Snape was being excessively sarcastic when Harry correctly guessed the source of the second lock of hair. It could have come from Draco, after all. ("The Jeopardy category is, 'Women I have been in love with.' Please answer in the form of a question.")
Next sub-chapter: Umbridge and Percy
This was a very funny section. I really enjoyed huffy, arrogant Umbridge trying to pull rank on a telephone operator and then on the Prime Minister, who probably thinks she's out of her mind.
"Surely, he wasnít going to loose its assets because of it," he rebuked. Ė s/b "lose"?
Next brief sub-chapter (Harry, Hermione, and the banking people)
This was succinct and got the story to the next place.
Similarly, the brief check-in on Draco was almost cinematic. Gives you a very clear picture of Draco, drugged and not too far away from desperate straits. Nice job with this.
Escrow closes really fast (or, at least, thatís what it sounded like). Morgana, I really think only you could have written these few paragraphs and had them fit so nicely and clearly into the story.
I have no comments for the very final sections, where Harry is tossing and turning, and struggling, and stretching his mind, and trying to force his will to invoke Narcissa to aid her son. I thought it was a spectacular end, right down to the very last sentence, where the MOM is displeased.
I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Author's Response: Oh, thanks so much for the wonderful review. It's also very helpful that you point out some aspects that maybe a little confusing.
Yes, the ins and outs of the torture were giving me headache so I decided to imply it without describing it too explicitly. I'm really pleased to hear that the suspense was maintained and that you enjoyed how the rescue went.
The methods of interrogation refer to Umbridge having done that burning curse that had made Draco unconscious. I'll probably add a sentence or so to make it clearer, thanks for pointing that out.
Snape's beliefs, yeah, he is not the easiest person to read in that regard, but I thought he probably believed in some supreme force but originally I put it there more to show Harry that he's not in a position, as far as Severus is concerned, to demand that kind of explanation.
No, the chapter wasn't meant to be in bold. I posted when there were issues with the site so I'll go and change that.
Loose was meant to be 'lose' also, that's a typo, so that has to be fixed too.
The Umbridge/phone scene was total indulgence on my part. I absolutely hate being put on hold for ages in real life and I thought that would baffle her. The Prime Minister, well, I really enjoyed the canon scene in HBP. She was basically trying to get him to allow her access to Harry's Muggle bank accounts and the guy thought that it was a very silly request, only an inheritance matter from what he could make out.
I'm so so pleased that you thought that the chapter worked well. I was really stuck on this one. Hopefully, I won't take so long to post again.
I'll get to your chapter tonight or tomorrow at the latest.
Thanks ever so much.